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Our Funny Dog (Revised a little)
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Our Funny Dog (Revised a little) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
OK, here is my first ever real attempt at free verse. I tried once a long time ago but rhymes kept falling in. I wasn't sure I could do this at all. I know there's not much poetic stuff in here but I hope I at least showed you a picture. So, please be gentle, teacher.  Sorry, I guess I wrote this too quickly. There were some awkward lines which I hope I have fixed with this revision.  Our Funny Little Dog A funny little dog he surely was, Not a real comic, just looked funny. A sort of dirty black, if you will, He was always a tangled mass Of what looked more like lint Than hair or fur, Sort of a big fuzzball, But above all else, He was loveable. Oh, he did his share Of funny things too, Sometimes he wouldn't eat Until I got on all four and Pretended to attack his dish -- We called that "play food". I really knew he would eat but He so enjoyed making me do that. Then there was my daughter's Very large stuffed lion, Although it was four times his size He was never to shy or timid To, well, sniff its backside; I'm sure with romance On his mind. And he was pretty smart He knew how to do about Anything he wanted and He knew how to control us, His humans, pretty well But he never could remember to Watch for those razor-like claws Of the cat lurking on the chair He was just running under Until too late. Slash. Ouch. Again. He climbed into his bed early Every night so he could awake early To be my alarm clock next morning -- I'd feel a thump as he hit my bed, Or maybe a warm lick on my hand -- But that night, when I had to help Him into his little red bed, I somehow knew he wouldn't Wake me tomorrow. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 02-22-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: This was very well done, Pete. The ending was like a *thunk* in the gut. I really didn't see it coming. My only suggestion would be to trim the wording a little bit in your earlier stanzas. For example, in the first stanza "he surely was" seems like it could be worded into a revised line to read "He surely was a funny dog". "If you will" also seemed like an extra to me. But you ending ... man, what an ending. It made me go from happily nostalgic to just plain sad in the 1.5 seconds it took me to read it. Powerful stuff there, especially with its unexpectedness. Good work.< !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-21-2000).] |
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Corazon Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 1209 |
yep will agree...thunk describes the ending...but great picture...pets can be so much to us, but it is hard to *show* how special they are to someone else...you accomplished that quite nicely  |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, For a first try at free verse, this is very good. If I may, can I give you some pointers? If the answer is no, then I'll delete this portion of my reply. I noticed your first line has twelve syllables...difficult to get away from that structured form? Well, like the structured verse, free verse has to flow, and have a definite "feel" to it (the emotions, images, or ideas expressed). I think yours has the "feel", but could use a bit of help on the flow...and that usually has to do with line length, word choice, and placement of the words within the line, and, sometimes, punctuation. For example: "A funny little dog he surely was, Not a real comic, just looked funny. A sort of dirty black, if you will, He was always a tangled mass Of what looked more like lint Than hair or fur, Sort of a big fuzzball, But above all else, He was loveable." See if you like this better.... He was a funny little dog, Comical in looks, A dirty, black, tangled mess, Of what looked more like lint Than hair or fur, Though none of that mattered, He was a loveable fuzzball. Do you see how I pared it down a bit, and when read, it flows a little easier. I hope that helps you some, Pete. You did a wonderful job on the first try. Just takes practice, like me doing structured verse. Kristine All that we see or seem - Is but a dream within a dream ~ Edgar Allan Poe |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks Kristine, but in the future, you never have to ask whether you can give pointers on my scribblings. Your comments and help are always more than welcome. And, I like what you suggested and think I understand at least a little of your method. I'll try to work on the rest of it along those lines. Wow, I have a long way to go with this stuff. Thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: Sorry. I've been playing hooky from class for a while now and I just noticed your revisions. I must say that this is a great improvement to an already powerful poem. The punch is still there at the end nomatter how many times I read this. Nice work. If it was up to me I would give you an "A" for this. Jim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks Jim, Yep, we've missed you in here. Things are entirely too quite lately, what with no spitballs and thumbtacks and such. Thanks for reading again. The revisions I have made so far have been pretty small, mostly correcting awkward lines and words which just didn't sound good in a poem. What I really want to do is revise it again along the lines Kristine has suggested above. That is, if I can just train myself to soak up and understand what she said. The bad part is I would probably tend to just adopt her wording exactly, then it would be her poem instead of mine. But I do intend to work on it. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: I think we need to go back to two topics a month (NAN, ARE YOU LISTENING!?!). One month of free-verse gives me the heebie-jeebies. Why are we doing free-verse in a poetry workshop anyway?  *Jim ducks an eraser Ruth launches at his head* She's probably going to make us do epics next.When you are finished revising this one post it in CA. I would love to see the finished product. You did a good job on this. Jim |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Okie Dokie.... I like this one - for not a poet, you're quite a poet.... I certainly can feel your propensity for meter trying to sneak in on ya.. But you kept it under control quite nicely...  It's odd, but I've had such a tedious time with my digital lobotomy here, I've had to meter out my time over the past couple of weeks (see, I can't avoid it either)... So why did I save this one to read the day after we had to 'put down' one of our family pets?... Not fair - You just wanted to evoke more of a reaction from me, eh?... If that's the case, you win... You got the reaction.. You made me fall in love with that puppy and proceeded to take him away all within a couple of dynamic stanzas here... I acquiesce to Kristine on the line break issue. I never could figure out this free verse stuff. All I know is that I liked your poem - I think that's the only rule, isn't it? You reader has to be 'affected'? |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Nan, I'm so sorry to hear about your lost pet. That really is a hard thing to do. My event was about 12 years ago so its not so hard now. But I guess the fact that I now write about it is some indication that we really do care for them and remember a long time. Well, you're right about the meter thing. I didn't even realize I was doing it but it seems nearly impossible not to. Well, I'll keep trying. You saw Kristine's suggestions and I hope to redo it along those lines or with her guidance. Thanks for this class. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Sorry for being late...... I guess I've proven free verse is not my forte so who am I to make comments about yours. I do know I like this a lot and I enjoyed reading it. As Nan says....your reader has to be "affected" and I was affected ! A lot !  |
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jbowie Member
since 2000-02-18
Posts 135BANGOR (that OR) ME |
I have never actually read a poem that made my eyes tear up at the end. And I mean never. I would offer no corrections, as I see this as a perfection of what you meant to convey.I would like to include this in a compilation of dog related writing so could you please respond to jamesbowie@umit.maine.edu si I can enter this and of couse give you full credit. Being a student of veterinary medicine and a natural dog lover, I wish to thank you for how moved I was by your heartfelt loss and wishh that there were more people like you in the world. A real man kisses his children goodnight |
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