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Victory and Death (South Pacific Perspectives, Pt. 2)
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Victory and Death (South Pacific Perspectives, Pt. 2) |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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Crash the stoic waves that rush the pebbled shores Always faithful, favored over all of Liberty’s sons, Pouring out their power with their tidal charge, Pressing forward toward dulcet victory. Crash, the sound of chilling fear inside my chest Please, my distant God, have mercy on your sons Pouring out their blood on these infernal shores, Faces down, their still bodies torn cold in death. Feel the furious pounding of the five-inch fists, The wrath of haughty ladies dressed in gray, Batter coastal hills and claim the open seas, Pennants high, announcing dulcet victory. Feel the furious pounding of the angry seas That toss my slender lady dressed in gray, Batter her with unrelenting, foam-capped fists, Going down, a final briny draft of death. Crash the cymbals, drummers’ forceful cadence lead Marching valiant men while streaming ticker-tape, Pouring down its colors, joins the grand procession Rejoicing in the dulcet day of victory. Feel the pall, a soulless sad procession Bearing valiant lifeless friends in zippered bags Battered bodies, maimed by fire and burning lead, Tagged and heading home to bitter tears of death. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Okay Jim...must we go back to square one in our lessons?? This is a WONDERFUL poem...but does it classify as free verse?...I'll eat my hat if I'm wrong (hmmm...don't even wear a hat) but I don't believe it is. To me this presents as more of a blank verse than free verse. Wonderful poem...did I say that?? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Okay Ruth...must we go back to square one in our lessons?? "February 2000 - Free/Blank Verse" by Nan's own hand.  You know, if you wouldn't insist on sitting next to Philip you would have been able to hear the teacher's instructions.  Jim P.S. Let me know what that hat tastes like. [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-14-2000).] |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Laughing with her mouth full...well, I knew it wasn't free verse. Darn that Philip for distracting me during class....I missed the blank verse part of the lesson |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Well might have guessed ole Jim would fight shy of going the whole hog .. I have quite a bit of work to do on this poem (as Jim well knows ..lol) before responding, but it certainly sounds horribly good ..lol..As for distractions .. i'm blameless ~wink~ it's the mischievous Menage which is (or should that be who is) to blame .. havoc and chaos reign supreme at the far end of the classroom and i need some assistance in controlling them .. for once Jim I guess I have to go down on bended knee and request your aid (do y'know any French for starters?) check out "Again" please and help out your best buddy from CA .. oh and bring Ruth and Kris with you I guess I need all the help I can get .. as you'll see ......LOL Philip |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
LOL Poor Philip, getting Justin Trouble huh ?  Jim this blank verse, of course I recognized it immediately , leaves me almost without words. I read it over and over again and am still in total awe ! This is beyond my abilities, so I shall not even try it. LOL I mean it....this is extremely good in my book.  Love it !Munda p.s. Thanks for the rescue |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Ok Jim I know I'm late but I thought I'd read and comment on this without checking out the replies in CA first ...... you know how easily swayed I am ...... lol First my overall impression is of a neat well wrapped and presented essentially "male" poem. I don't know why I feel that, perhaps because of the subject. That isn't btw meant to be a negative criticism because in a sense anything to do with the military really ought to be efficient and precise .. the irony for me, and what I really liked about the piece, is the fact that the subject matter is anything but neat and precise. The reality of war is that it is vile, messy, wasteful and chaotic .. and the fact that you chose this format increased the irony in the poem. After all the poem is all about irony is it not? The essence of the piece is the way it see-saws back and forth between the outward presentable face of conflict and the thinly hidden fear and loss which is ever present. The alternating stanzas do this very well if extremely overtly ... there is no subtlety, which is in keeping with the precision I referred to earlier. The other element in stanzas two and four and six is the power of nature and the forces and the elemental forces. So looking at the actually content... we first have the apparently straightforward image of the storming of a foreign shore. Presumably being the sequel to Part 1 (lol) this is the allied point of view ("Liberty" suggesting the US ... tho I can't think why .... sorry just kiddin'). I thought you opened well with the clever use of two meanings of "waves" ... "stoic" of course helping the reader to "see" what is really going on .. then the continuation of the metaphor with the word "tidal" .. I wasn't quite sure about "favoured over" it sounded a bit kinda self important somehow .. but maybe that's because I'm just a Brit ... .Then in stanza two we start to realise what you're up to. Now the reader is presented with the other side of the coin. Using the (it has to be said) oft used device of parallelling, but no less effective for that you start to let us see what is really going on ... Why did you use the phrase "distant God" ? I think I know but please tell. Once you have set the pattern the poem continues in the same fashion. Loved the five inch fists .. shells. Also the power and invincibility of the cruisers offshore is well portrayed only to be shattered in the next stanza by the comparison with the power of the sea which thus portrays mans most feared machines as puny set against the elements. Again you faithfully parallel the previous stanza. The last two stanzas really lay on the irony .. the hollowness of victory and rejoicing .. when "just round the corner in the same town" the procession is one resulting from the real cost of war. I suppose if I had one overall criticism it would be that the theme of the futility of war and the hollowness of victory has been so well explored that there is a danger that this might be seen a boring repetition ..... However. if it is, all I can say is that its very good repetition and bearing in mind that this is part of a series I guess that it should be read as a part of that and not entirely in isolation.. Well done Jim Philip And now I've read the CA comments and your explanations. I guess I wasn't too far away .. Lol BTW ... typo on "colors" change to "colours" .... I guess I got the Cruisers wrong .. I didn't know Destroyers had 5" shells ~blush~ and the only other thing that grabbed my attention was Trevor's suggestion to change "friends" to "family". Firstly I don't think it would be right to do that given that the poem has a kind of "comrade in arms" feel about it, but secondly in my own experience (sadly) there are few of my family I can call "friends" and those people I would call friends mean far far more to me ... oh well .. just a personal perspective .. thanks again Jim |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Finally got my computer back - You guys didn't even miss me, did ya? I've intentionally not read the critiques in CA, and I'm certainly not going to attempt to improve upon the comments given to you here by your friends and cohorts... You guys are superb at your indepth studies. I don't think I have that many words in my *choking here* vocabulary...  This poem uses such a plethora of imagery, it's difficult to single out some that are particularly outstanding... Extended Metaphorical Personification seems to be your modus operandi here. Your military "waves" (your first inference of a female influence here?) stand tall for freedom throughout this "peace" of work... I find your theme to develop wonderfully, in a full crescendo that peaks in the final stanza, bringing your poem to a poignant finale.. My only question to you would be... Why be creative with your meter? Your stressed syllables at the onset of each line are, of course, very effective for the tone you're so adeptly portraying - but I subsequently have a difficult time labeling it "iambic pentameter"... um..... I had to find SOMETHING to complain about - It weren't inny too eeesy, neither.... |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks for the replies and compliments everyone. Munda: Thanks. But don't sell yourself short. You are a very fine poet. Philip: I understand and agree that my theme has been very well explored (not so much as the theme of love, however). What differentiated this from other "explorations" of this particular theme is simply that my father witnessed much of this during WWII on a destroyer in the South Pacific. He told me very little about his experiences during the war. He mentioned a near miss of a Kamikaze attacking his ship while his destroyer (the USS Healy) was on radar picket duty and he also mentioned going through what he described as a "scary" typhoon. After he died I tracked down the history of his ship and found that his "scary" typhoon killed over 800 sailors, sunk three destroyers, and severely damage dozens of other ships. These "South Pacific Perspectives" are largely centered around the experiences of my father. So while this is admittedly well explored territory for everyone else, the research behind these poems helps me to know my father a little better. Thanks for your detailed critique. The "distant God" by the way was inspired by a Psalm of David written when he was alone and pursued by the murderous King Saul. The Marine in the landing craft "felt" as though God was distant. I also wanted a vague allusion to the now cliched "war is hell" addage. That would also be an explanation for God's distance. Nan: In your poetry tomes look up "anacrusis". Most of the lines are clearly iambic pentameter if you remove the first syllable. For this poem read as powerfully as I wanted it to, I thought that I needed to begin my lines with accented syllables. Blake's "Tyger, tyger burning bright ..." wouldn't have read as powerfully if he began it as "The Tyger, tyger burning bright." See what I mean? The one line that I "butchered" the iambic meter was also done for effect. "FAC/ es DOWN/ their STILL / BOD-ies / TORN COLD / in DEATH." This line has the usual anacrusis, three iambic feet, a trochaic foot and a spondaic foot. I wanted "torn cold" to stand out in this line. (I've been studying meter, in case you couldn't tell -- Passions is to blame, you know). I don't want you to think I've overlooked your compliments. They mean very much to me and I thank you for offering them. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
LOL I never doubted for a minute that it was quite intentional on your part... I'm such a structure-freak, aren't I? I guess it's pretty difficult to have an orderly war, ya think? Your creative "butchermeter" certainly works here, my friend.. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
BUTCHERMETER!!! Butcher is awful strong, don't ya think? Maybe a scratch or a minor flesh wound. But butcher? (Will this affect my grade?)Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jimteach, I must say that, IMHO, blank verse or whatever, this has to be the best I've ever seen from you. That's saying a lot, as you are a very accomplished poet. The imagery, the two contrasting voices, the word choices...just fantastic, Jimbo...I can't say enough. But I will shut up now, so I don't get into any trouble with our leader. Kris All that we see or seem - Is but a dream within a dream ~ Edgar Allan Poe |
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