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TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK (look ma, no spelling errors :)
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK (look ma, no spelling errors :) |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
Learning My head spinning round Insides feel like i'm falling down I think and look up what I found Phrases and words noone knows Minds fall down in filed rows Logic tetters to and frow Self konwledge begins to grow What I found I want to reveal But I can't, I'm learning still ---Written by:Hoppy 9-19-99 |
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| © Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
hoppy: well, you did have a few spelling errors (teeter, knowledge) but that's common... i like the poem (especially line 5) quite a bit, but the off-rhyme in the last line really bothers me... all the other lines have approximate or exact rhyme, but the last line (unless you grossly mispronounce the word) doesn't fit... my suggestion is to change one of the last two lines to rhyme the other (perhaps even rewrite both of them to fit your intended meaning)... one example would be "i desire to reveal what i have found/ but i'm learning still the more profound" (just a suggestion)... sincerely, jerome the boy with no kool-aid A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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