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since 2000-01-17
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In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV

0 posted 2000-01-17 06:28 PM

I am nothing but a mere actress in the play of my life.  My friends and family are nothing but actors and actresses surrounding me.  I will walk across the stage until the spotlight goes black.  No scripts, I just go by what my heart tells me.  Every thing is real, from the tears to the sighs.

Now, I must remember when I hear the word ‘goodbye’ that’s my cue to cry.  He walked in, told me he loved me, but he can't stay with me, because he’s met her.  The tears begin to fall, a common occurrence, in this, the play that is my life.

That is how it always seems to be, they meet her, and say ‘goodbye’ to me.  I've saved all the goodbye letters, stained with tears.  I pull them out of my old shoebox, every now and then.

They wouldn’t recognize me, now.  They come back to play another part.  Without a script its hard to find the words to tell them how I felt back then. Things have changed.  I was forced to say goodbye, even though that was the last thing I wanted.

The love took but only a few months to grow but took years to fade.  The scene is set, neither of us know we’re about to run into each other, again.  I stop, stare, and realize who it is.

Each year that I live, another act is added, I am now at the close of the 15th act.  Who knew I’d ever see him again?  At the end of every act I pull out the tear stained letters and begin to add more stains.

As I close the letter, the act closes as well.  I sing and dance about the stage.  Knowing, but without a care that they are watching my play.

I look into his eyes, knowing he has the script.  Theres nothing I can say, the script is blank.  This play is far from over, but a new scene is about to begin.

As it starts, I'm in his arms.  He says he loves me.  Then before he walks away, he hands me a tear stained letter.  The audience is out there, laughing at my misfortune.  They, only spectators, are on their way to becoming actors in my life.

All the actors have left; I'm on the stage alone.  They tears begin to fall and I begin my speech.  No one knows, no one will listen.  So why should I even try to explain?  You don’t care; you are only acting as if you do.

I get a mere glimpse of my script, and get handed yet another tear stained letter.  Another goodbye to live through.  I fall to the stage in tears, the audience, not knowing my next move.

I jump up and begin to dance and run around, none of them knowing I'm dying on the inside.  I must hide all the tears.  I've become an expert throughout the past 16 acts.  I am able to hide all emotion.  I can sit there, and act as if I'm happy, and they’ll believe it, even though I'm crying on the inside.

It takes all my strength not to run up to him, kiss him, and then strangle him.  I now realize I didn’t deserve what he did.  No one deserves to be abused.  I have scars on my back, as well as my heart.  I do not regret saying ‘goodbye’ to him at all.  Since I told him ‘goodbye’ and handed him a tear stained goodbye letter, things have kind of fallen into place.  I now must keep my heart under lock and key, so it can never be stomped upon again.  

The curtain is soon going to close upon another act, and begin the 17th.  The acts are going by quicker and quicker.  Another goodbye letter is about to become stained with tears.  Instead of going with my gut, I went with my heart.  I thought what I saw in his eyes was love.  Boy, was I wrong.

As I begin to give in to him, and show him my heart, I look at my past, and realize, that he’s the one I've been searching for.  I feel it when I'm in his arms; I see it in his eyes.  I struggle not to give into him, I must keep myself.

I dance, and fly and sing about the stage, overjoyed, but for no apparent reason.  This is typical of me, trying to hide my true feelings through laughter, but this is how I truly feel.  They see the difference, unbelieving that I could be so truly happy.

Suddenly, I stop and begin to sing an unknown song.  They look at me, strangely, as if this is new for me.  It is, to be singing such a happy song.  I take his hand and we begin to sing to each other.

What more can I do?  I must let them know how I feel for him.  Without a script, not a word comes to mind.  I must prove myself to him.  My only thought is nothing you need to know.  I stare into his eyes, and he knows I love him.

This play has become too much for me to bare.  They are out there, laughing at me.  Not truly knowing why I am the way I am.  That happened before the play began, before I received my first tear stained letter…

That will forever remain a secret, if I keep getting those letters.  Once I find someone I can trust, I’ll let the secrets of my heart out, but until then, I will say nothing more.

I believe I've found someone to trust, but only time will tell…

© Copyright 2000 Tamma M. Wilson - All Rights Reserved
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850
In the space between moments
1 posted 2000-01-17 08:23 PM

Tamma, you've done a good job here, but this would be more suited for the prose forum, as it is more prose-like than poetry.  Welcome to passions, check out the Prose forum, and post only poetry here please.  

 *Krista Knutson*

~*Like a lion, without fear of the howling pack,
Like a gust of wind, ne'er trapped in a snare,
Like a lotus blossom, ne'er sprinkled by water,
Let me, like a unicorn, in solitude roam.*~ Hymn Of Buddha

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