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A home without a wall, |
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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Lost My boy |
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Dean Member
since 1999-11-23
Posts 120Canada |
Now I learn ?? I miss my dawg so Even though My dawg gone Try to be strong on my dawg Used to hit me But I'm home alone All the memories I got of you Shining like the sun I used to invite you to my house We used to fight Who gone sleep in the top bunk We used to Throw rocks To the cops then we'd run We was so tight We got caught Both of us They got just one I remember dawg We just like Kick back and laughed We grew up a little bit Life made us choose a Different path You chose to get a job And I sold and dealed You choose to go to school And i chose the streets I was the one that Always lived fast You used to want to live slowly As I look in the casket I though for sure It was supposed to be me Damn I lost my boy??? And I contemplate to myself Would it have been different If I would've been there I guess we'll never never Never know But I know one thing Why's it always the good ones that got to go ------------------ "Live to love or why live at all" Deano  [This message has been edited by Dean (edited 11-25-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 James Dean - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Angela Durham Junior Member
since 1999-11-21
Posts 10Az |
I really Liked yoiur poem it was very touching, hope to read some more from you. ~idgie~ |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
This is very good Dean. You express your feelings well. I am confused though. What is this supposed to mean? Try to be strong on my boys Used to hit me But I'm home alone I would like you to work a little on the grammer and use of English in this piece. I understand where it is coming from but it is difficult to understand from the readers perspective. Eg.: You chose to get a job And I sold and dealed I thought to myself dealed?...oh delt....as in drugs I assume? Making the reader think is a good thing. Confusing them is not. Also in the first five lines you refer to boys....plural. In the end it turns out to be just a single boy. As I said this is a very apt expression of your feelings. Shall we clean it up a bit? |
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Angela16 Junior Member
since 1999-11-19
Posts 37USA |
I really liked this poem, it was really good!! keep up the great work! ------------------ Angela |
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Angela16 Junior Member
since 1999-11-19
Posts 37USA |
I really liked this poem, it was really good!! keep up the great work! ------------------ Angela |
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Krut Junior Member
since 1999-11-26
Posts 27Adams, Wi U.S.A |
good poem...eventhough i think its cool for poets to express words inthere own way and say what they want to say..it was kinda hard to understand the grammar....but i still got the idea....and i still liked it... ------------------ ~lifes a journey not a destination...~ Aerosmith |
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