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Teen Poetry #2
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Together we stand
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Together we stand |
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TearsOfPearls Member
since 1999-09-23
Posts 322Vereeniging, South-Africa 
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A note with his name he found on the door, he walked into the room, found her body on the floor. He ran to her side and fell to his knees, he grabbed her hand tight, his aching heart bleeds. With a river of pain flowing from his heart, he can not bare the thought of being apart. "Why was I so blind, why could I not see? If I can't be with her, I can't be with me." Still warm with her blood he took the gun from her hand. A note left saying: "Together we stand!" Ok...it's not that good, and I have no idea where this came from, but I'm still posting it. Waves...amazing hey? Wind blowing over smoothe ocean water creates shear. The longer the wind blows, and the futher the fetch, the more energy gets transferred from the wind to the water. What started off as a breeze 1 000km away, ends up as a glass-faced barrel at some far off beach. |
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LIL' Lou Junior Member
since 2000-06-02
Posts 29OKlahoma |
Hi This Is a well Awsome poem I like it!!! You did a good job! Hey maybe you can tell me what you think of some of my poems  ! WEll keep Up the good work! LOve LOU  Love is like a rainbow, Each color has a differnt meaning. Lauren Lou |
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Lani_DarkOne Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 152UK |
Actually I think this is very good, the rhyming and structure gets the point of pain...but the last verse seems like something positive happened..very intruiging, even if the idea came out the spur of the moment ( I think that's the best time to write) Keep at it! "You could be my unintended Choice, to live my life extended...." Muse "Even when we're apart we'll still be under the same sky," LJ Smith "Hiding in the musty attic is Elusive She sits, cross legged in a midst dark cobwebs Several forms scurry to seek shelter Beneath her levitating shadow. Her back rigid , eyes glassy Gazes intently at time escaping Sliding, smoothly, as sand sprinkles Through the hour glass, A single tear grazes her misty cheek." Lani |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
wow! how touching! I love it! the way you conveyed your thoughts so organized was very interesting! Keep up the good writing!! Love Always ~*~Jessica Lynn~*~ "Love is the product of our discontentment with ourselves." "Bleeding hearts release tears of fire" "work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt,and live everyday as if it's your last" |
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CLBinLOVE Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 147Hilton Head, SC, USA |
i like how it masks the main point of the poem, the note, until the very end, you dont have time to think about the note that he found in the begining, also, very good rythems, and i could feel the resolution of the guy AND the girl with the last 4 lines nice writing always follow your heart, never follow others unless it is truely where you want to go, and never give up a dream, maybe just set it aside for a while... :) |
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TearsOfPearls Member
since 1999-09-23
Posts 322Vereeniging, South-Africa |
Thanks all four of you, I appreciate your insight on my poem very much, and sure Lou, I'll check out some o your poems. Thanks again Waves...amazing hey? Wind blowing over smoothe ocean water creates shear. The longer the wind blows, and the futher the fetch, the more energy gets transferred from the wind to the water. What started off as a breeze 1 000km away, ends up as a glass-faced barrel at some far off beach. |
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ChibiDeathscythe Member
since 2000-06-09
Posts 128 |
I loved that poem! I loved the rhythm, and I will look forward to seeing more of your posts. ^_^ "Why was I so blind, why could I not see? If I can't be with her, I can't be with me." - I especially liked that part. |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
Enjoyed ARCTIC WIND |
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