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In The Field (My best poem, i suprise me *L*)
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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In The Field (My best poem, i suprise me *L*) |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
Late in the night, there he was, Existing by himself, just because. He sat for dinner, neath clouds fallen low; Watching for the day, waiting for the crow; Night faded quickly, pleading for the deed, Taking its home, showing its greed. As light broke open the day He heard the sound, then wished it away But the time has come, the daunting hour here, Great gusts of air, the blade draws near. Standing alone, his bravery none could surpass; Tis a mournful day-there falls another blade of grass Written by: Hoppy 5-25-00 <!signature--> There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. -- Oscar Levant Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. -- Howard Aiken [This message has been edited by hoppy (edited 05-26-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Novacaine For The Soul Member
since 2000-05-26
Posts 122New Orleans |
hoppy: while you obviously make no pretense of modesty, i do feel that this is a fairly good poem... i had a bit of trouble getting lines 7 & 11 to flow with the rest... i must admit, also that i dont understand how his "unsurpassed bravery" fit into the poem... what is he being brave towards? is there some threat present in the poem that i didn't pick up on?... all-in-all a good piece of writing... sincerely, just a little novacaine for your soul |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
Let's see if i can help you get a grasp here. First of all the reason he is brave is because he heard the lawnmower turn on and knows it's coming to take him down. I think that hearing the instrument that is goingto kill you would constitute some sense of eargency. Just read it a couple times and think about it just a little. I thought i had a halfway decent symbolic piece here, but i apparently made it a little to symbolic/uncomprehencable There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. -- Oscar Levant "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." |
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Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
Hoppy...I like this poem. It's really good, but I must agree it's a little hard to understand in the end. Overall you've got a good thing here. Salma "Not all the answers lie within your realm or mine, they lie within the borders." |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Very well done hoppy!  I think it is excellent. It took me a couple of reading to grasp the entire meaning in this piece but that is a very good thing. You cleared up the mystery in the last line and it all fell into place there. I read it a few more times in order to make sure I did grasp the entire theme after the first read. There are a couple of flaws in the meter but other then that, an excellent piece of writing!!When you are old and grey and full of sleep, And nodding by the fire, take down this book, And slowly read, and dream of the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shodows deep; How many loved your moments of glad grace, And loved your beauty with love false or true, But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, And loved the sorrows of your changing face... William Butler Yeats |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
hoppy - This is a very good "extended metaphor"... Your poem could represent the feelings of a person as easily as that little blade of grass... I have to tell you - I looooove to play on words... So, my personal inclination - to clarify that the poor little brave blade is listening for the lawnmower - would be to incorporate a line that might include a "long moan (lawn mown)".... Nice work here...  [This message has been edited by Nan (edited 05-27-2000).] |
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Daysleeper Member
since 2000-04-23
Posts 119 |
Hoppy- Like this... I've never read a poem about cutting the grass before... and one so dark, to top that.  Nice though, although I wouldn't call it your best... I've read a lot of your work, and I don't know what I would call your best. Always remember, the tallest blade of grass is the first one to get cut by the lawnmower. ...Daysleeper... "We prefer to do things comfortably" said the Controller. "But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin." "In fact," said Mustapha Mond, "you're claiming the right to be unhappy." "Alright then," said the Savage defiantly, "I'm claiming the right to be unhappy." -Aldous Huxley "Brave New World" |
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