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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
|
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| Teen Poetry #2 |
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thank you |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa 
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the words repeated in my head I had been practicing for days and yet these words could not be said lost among my hearts delays. the silence fell on both our ears why did you still seem so content struggling just to face my fears it seemed like hours came and went. when somehow in your gazing eyes amiss my most unveiling hour I felt an inner passion rise and granted on myself the power to tell you everything I felt you smiled at me and brought me near I kissed your lips and felt mine melt as you whispered in my ear. your softly spoken loving words were the sweetest sounding ever said, and ever since the day I heard, your words repeated in my head. Thank you. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Kevin Bednarz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I have to repeat my comments from the last piece. Punctuation and capitalization would enhance this piece. eg. The words repeated in my head, I had been practising for days. Yet these words could not be said, lost amoung my hearts delays. Do you see what I am saying? If I have not said this before...Welcome to Passions. |
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JEBE Junior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 32WILMINGTON, NC, USA |
Rhythm is a big thing for me and this one started out great...but when it got to.."why did you seem so content..." it started to lose the rhythm. On the other hand i loved the message and it was very sweet. |
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Laura Mitchell Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 76Cincinnati OH,45238 |
Very sweet, but you may want to clean it up by adding punctuation. I think it would help, and some of the rhythm was ill. |
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