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Teen Poetry #2
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| Teen Poetry #2 |
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kari Member
since 1999-10-03
Posts 104Hyde Park, Ut, USA |
Sins do stain a guilty shoulder Attend to the wise for they're so much older Avoid temptation its so much colder Untangle the cobwebs and become bolder Caress the dreams; avoid the real The plastered guilt that you can't heal Tears too obscure that you can't feel The poisonous life you lead that almost kills The wreckless days that never end My collapsed heart when to you I offend A smile of ecstasy you refuse to lend A pastel rainbow to be my friend The look of a God to surface the unknown The expression found in so remorseful a tone A faith my shadow won't be alone My hidden light is finally shone Silence no longer comforts me. For that is when I think too much. [This message has been edited by kari (edited 11-02-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 kari - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Loved this poem. The flow is very good and your theme is strong. I have only one question. Line 2. Attend to the wise for they're so much older How does this flow from line one? How do the sins that stain a guilty shoulder attend the wise? This conpletely confused me and I had to read it several times. I am still unsure why that line is there. Could you help me with that? |
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April Resi Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 119Alabama |
I like the structure of this poem ~~~ the rhythm is really good too. I am also confused about line 2, although overall I really like the poem! |
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Star Fairy 2 Member
since 1999-09-06
Posts 260cerritos, california, usa |
wow! the power in this poem is unbelievable.. good job!  ------------------ Don't Fall.. Rise in Love -------823------- |
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kari Member
since 1999-10-03
Posts 104Hyde Park, Ut, USA |
Sins that stain a guilty shoulder Attend to the wise for they're so much older In line 1 I explained how sins can stain you. The second line basically means, 'listen to older people because they are wise and can maybe help you avoid the sins' Does that make sense? It is meant to kind of confuse you. I want to make people think about things not of a particular topic but just lots of different thoughts that just came to me. thanks for the replies! |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
That is a great idea but the wording implies that the stains attend the wise and aged. Maybe a reword of the first line. Sins do stain a guilty shoulder. What do you think? |
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