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Crystalina123
Member

since 2000-01-31

Posts 228

0 posted 2000-03-14 02:06 PM

** This poem is very raw, just an expression of feelings. Let me know what you think!!!

Well my friend,
Our time came to an end,
Almost four months ago.

It hurt very much,
Saying goodbye and such,
That everytime I saw you I cried.

Funny how life works out,
Sometimes I wonder what we were ever about,
Certainly it wasn't love.

If love were the case,
This hatred you expel towards me wouldn't be so common place,
Suppose our time indeed came to an end.

So night after night I cried,
Slowly though, I am beginning to feel as if I have not died.
As if part of me exists without you.

I can't say I don't miss you,
Though I haven't cried in a day or two,
But slowly . . .

I'm beginning to see the beauty in dawns yellow orange light,
In the way birds take flight,
day after day.

I'm beginning to smile at childrens giggles,
To tease them about their wiggles,
And not htink of the child you and I lost.

I'm beginning to take pride in my work at school,
And displaying those A's I worked so hard for does not seem uncool,
Unlike what you told me.

I'm beginning to smile on my own,
And I no longer feel as if my heart is made of the stone,
You encased it with.

I'm learning to live,
Learning I have precious things to give,
Becasue I'm finally beginning to get over you.

"The worst of what people do to one another is deceive.
Because when you love someone you control their version
of reality. If you lie to them that's like making them
autistic so that what they believe is reality is in fact,
not their true situation at all."

It's not the angry words that break the heart, it's the silence.

Someone said that true love is like a ghost -- often spoke of but never seen.
I've seen both and yet in my darkest hours, tend to believe that neither exits.

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

1 posted 2000-03-14 02:26 PM

Well...not sure exactly what to say to this piece. I am glad to hear that you are going forward with your life. I am sorry you had to deal with so much already in your life but happy that you have learned something from it.

Yes, I agree that this piece is rough and could use a rewrite. You could make this into something so very powerful. It is good at this stage but if you put a little effort into it, it could be amazing.

Danny Holloway
Member Elite

since 2000-01-15

Posts 2034
Tulsa, OK

2 posted 2000-03-14 03:21 PM

Want to echo Marilyn's comments. Definitely has an upbeat tone and the rhyme is good, just rough around the edges.
Nice work for it to be spontaneous.
Your writing is improving I feel.

dazed
Member

since 2000-03-13

Posts 119
USA

3 posted 2000-03-15 06:37 AM

Another echoe heheheh
Good work needs touched up..
I think it might help if you made every other line rhyme instead of the first two lines rhyming the last words and then the third line kinda hangs there..
great writing though
Dana

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