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Teen Poetry #2
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Junior Member
since 2000-03-11
Posts 19
Sydney N.S.W Australia

0 posted 2000-03-13 08:45 AM

I feel the rain falling down
I hear it all around
Waiting here for something
How long i do not know

Why was i picked for here
What did i do wrong
I had'nt even lived that long

I feel hurt deep inside
But not from being cheated
Still don't know why i was picked
Or what happened before

Today they found my body
I see it from the first time
Bruised and raped
Cut and ripped at viciously
Left to lay where i fell
clothed in only blood
Now know that place was purgatory

I pity the one who did this
I have seen what waits for them
Luckily im not going there
I have been sent somewhere else

© Copyright 2000 PEACEMAKER - All Rights Reserved
Junior Member
since 2000-03-11
Posts 19
Sydney N.S.W Australia
1 posted 2000-03-13 09:06 AM

could some1 give me some feedback on my work
tell me if u dont like it plz thats y i posted them so i know what im doing right
or wrong what ever it may be ,thanks

Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644
Here, Now, Forever
2 posted 2000-03-13 12:09 PM

Man, your definately doing it right. Your doing SOMETHING right, whatever it is, it has grabbed my attention, and remember, some if not most of THE BEST poems dont rhyme. dont feel obligated to have to rhyme, if you feel it restricts your freedom. However, when rhyming, you create a rhythym of words that are free and oblivious to the requirement of rhyming. either way, your words can touch just as deep and cause the tears of enlightenment and consolation to run with equal vigor.
since 1999-12-02
Posts 443
3 posted 2000-03-13 12:43 PM

Great job. I liked to imagry that you carfuly placed into it. Keep up the good work.
since 2000-02-12
Posts 238

4 posted 2000-03-14 04:25 AM

woah! this made me very sad
if you don't mind me asking...was this written from a personal experience or perhaps happened to a friend?
if so...i hope everything has looked up since then.

continue the great work


since 2000-01-14
Posts 478
5 posted 2000-03-14 11:04 AM

A very good poem, but I must echo what Bec said- I hope it's not from personal experience, and if it is, I hope things are doing better...
~Kristi Lynn

since 2000-01-31
Posts 228

6 posted 2000-03-14 01:53 PM

I really like this poem. I can't say that it hits home for me, but I find it beautiful and wonderfully innocent!

-- Crystal

 "The worst of what people do to one another is deceive.
Because when you love someone you control their version
of reality. If you lie to them that's like making them
autistic so that what they believe is reality is in fact,
not their true situation at all."

It's not the angry words that break the heart, it's the silence.

Someone said that true love is like a ghost -- often spoke of but never seen.
I've seen both and yet in my darkest hours, tend to believe that neither exits.

Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
7 posted 2000-03-14 02:22 PM

ok...You began this poen with a form but strayed from it in the 4th stanza. It works in this piece but if you want to try to write in a consistant form then you have to stay consistant. You began with a rhyme scheme but did not continue it thoughout this piece. Again it is not a real problem unless you are trying to follow a form. You are not following a specific meter with this piece because you syllable count is not constant throughout the lines. I would consider this a free form piece with broken up stanza's. If you want to challange yourself with your poetry, pick a form and create a piece that sticks to the perameters of that form.

I enjoyed this piece and don't think there is anything wrong with it but it does not follow any specific poetic form. This does not make the piece bad in any way. Just not completely structured. If you have any questions or would like some help or pointers, feel free to e-mail me.  

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