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Teen Poetry #2
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what did i do?
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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what did i do? |
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PEACEMAKER Junior Member
since 2000-03-11
Posts 19Sydney N.S.W Australia |
I feel the rain falling down I hear it all around Waiting here for something How long i do not know Why was i picked for here What did i do wrong I had'nt even lived that long WHAT DID I DO WRONG I feel hurt deep inside But not from being cheated Still don't know why i was picked Or what happened before Today they found my body I see it from the first time Bruised and raped Cut and ripped at viciously Left to lay where i fell clothed in only blood Now know that place was purgatory I pity the one who did this I have seen what waits for them Luckily im not going there I have been sent somewhere else |
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| © Copyright 2000 PEACEMAKER - All Rights Reserved | |||
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PEACEMAKER Junior Member
since 2000-03-11
Posts 19Sydney N.S.W Australia |
could some1 give me some feedback on my work tell me if u dont like it plz thats y i posted them so i know what im doing right or wrong what ever it may be ,thanks PEACEMAKER |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
Man, your definately doing it right. Your doing SOMETHING right, whatever it is, it has grabbed my attention, and remember, some if not most of THE BEST poems dont rhyme. dont feel obligated to have to rhyme, if you feel it restricts your freedom. However, when rhyming, you create a rhythym of words that are free and oblivious to the requirement of rhyming. either way, your words can touch just as deep and cause the tears of enlightenment and consolation to run with equal vigor. |
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Jer Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 443USA |
Great job. I liked to imagry that you carfuly placed into it. Keep up the good work. |
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4eva_at_heart Member
since 2000-02-12
Posts 238 |
woah! this made me very sad  if you don't mind me asking...was this written from a personal experience or perhaps happened to a friend? if so...i hope everything has looked up since then. continue the great work Bec  |
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angel6917 Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 478WI |
A very good poem, but I must echo what Bec said- I hope it's not from personal experience, and if it is, I hope things are doing better... ~Kristi Lynn |
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Crystalina123 Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 228 |
Peacemaker, I really like this poem. I can't say that it hits home for me, but I find it beautiful and wonderfully innocent! -- Crystal "The worst of what people do to one another is deceive. Because when you love someone you control their version of reality. If you lie to them that's like making them autistic so that what they believe is reality is in fact, not their true situation at all." It's not the angry words that break the heart, it's the silence. Someone said that true love is like a ghost -- often spoke of but never seen. I've seen both and yet in my darkest hours, tend to believe that neither exits. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
ok...You began this poen with a form but strayed from it in the 4th stanza. It works in this piece but if you want to try to write in a consistant form then you have to stay consistant. You began with a rhyme scheme but did not continue it thoughout this piece. Again it is not a real problem unless you are trying to follow a form. You are not following a specific meter with this piece because you syllable count is not constant throughout the lines. I would consider this a free form piece with broken up stanza's. If you want to challange yourself with your poetry, pick a form and create a piece that sticks to the perameters of that form. I enjoyed this piece and don't think there is anything wrong with it but it does not follow any specific poetic form. This does not make the piece bad in any way. Just not completely structured. If you have any questions or would like some help or pointers, feel free to e-mail me. |
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