New Poet seeking constructive critisism

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yelimS
New Member

since 2000-03-07

Posts 4

0 posted 2000-03-07 11:14 PM

Your face is so beautiful
Your eyes are so wonderful
Your hair looks so cute
Your smile is so meriful
     For you my heart will pound
     You are like a treasure I have found
     If for one day you could be mine
     The garden of love would forever twine

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

1 posted 2000-03-08 02:34 AM

For starters welcome to Passions and secondly that is a really good poem that you have written. there was good rhyme going in it and obviously you care for this person very much. Good work.

~AF~

angel6917
Member

since 2000-01-14

Posts 478
WI

2 posted 2000-03-08 10:39 AM

Welcome to Passions! Your poem was cute, I liked it a lot. You must care for someone an awful lot to write a poem like that for them...
~Kristi Lynn

Danny Holloway
Member Elite

since 2000-01-15

Posts 2034
Tulsa, OK

3 posted 2000-03-08 10:52 AM

Hi, I like your poem. I might suggest something like this for the third line:
"Your hair so radiant and full"
I feel this would flow better with lines 1,2,& 4. Just a thought.
Welcome to Passions and I look forward to more of your writing.
Danny

Paul Hoekman
Member

since 1999-12-28

Posts 382
Harwinton Ct. U>S>A>

4 posted 2000-03-08 02:07 PM

WELCOME!
Very Nice Poem,
The most important thing here
is that it obviously
came from the heart.

poetry_kills
Senior Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 549
new orleans

5 posted 2000-03-09 05:26 PM

yes yes, i know i said i was leaving the forum, but how selfish of me to only read the responses to my "final post"... especially when someone is asking for criticism *heh*... so here i come to spoil the party...

yelim: this is a good poem, but it's still pretty raw as far as excellence in writing goes... so here are some of my ideas... i'm just going to give you my edited form of the poem and you can decide what you like and what you dont like...

Your face so brightly beautiful,
Your eyes so mystically wonderful,
Your hair so aromatically strokable
Your smile so merrily kissable:
     My heart trembles in rhythm with yours
     You are like a great treasure I have sought for and found
     If for one day your sweet love could be mine
     Our gardens of love would fore'er intertwine

sincerely,
jerome the mysterious priest

Nothing can stop me now, cause I don't care anymore...

yelimS
New Member

since 2000-03-07

Posts 4

6 posted 2000-03-09 07:01 PM

Thank you all for your very wonderful comments, and thank you poetry_kills for your comments.

emptyness
Member

since 2000-03-09

Posts 95
mobile,Ala,USA

7 posted 2000-03-09 07:56 PM

good poem i think i like it because i feel the same way to a person like that in my life again good job

angel6917
Member

since 2000-01-14

Posts 478
WI

8 posted 2000-03-10 10:32 AM

Okay, I replied already, but I do sort of agree with jerome. I just wouldn't go overboard like that- I can't even write the way he was suggesting! Just work at your poetry, spill your guts on paper, and then edit it until you think it sounds right.
~Kristi Lynn

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