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Teen Poetry #2
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Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 28

0 posted 2000-03-01 09:50 PM

You slowly drift in unconscious state,
Floating down the river of Time,
Pulled by the current immaculate;
Unknowing/enjoying a fate sublime.
Accepting:  no need to navigate;
Not wishing to stay that guiding hand;
Following  the river to its fate;
Riding the boat to all-man’s land.

We mildly watch from the shore
As your body floats slowly by.
You are so easy to ignore;
We have our own lives to live, to die.
So you conform to this way of life
In the circle that never ends.
Subconsciously wallowing in self-grief
With no one but your circle friends.

© Copyright 2000 hailfellow - All Rights Reserved
Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
1 posted 2000-03-01 10:06 PM

halifellow: this is really quite impressive... it took me longer than i feel it should have to figure out exactly what was happening to this individual floating on the "river of Time", but that may be a perceptual problem on my part as much as it may be a problem with the clarity of the work... you might want to look at that and decide for yourself which was the problem... aside from that i think this is an excellent work and well-written...

jerome the mysterious priest

 And their bleating was like a wet salmon
slapped upon the land---slap! slap! slap!

Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 28

2 posted 2000-03-01 10:51 PM

jerome the MP: To help clarify, this poem is to serve as a type of warning to the more conformist, crowd-following type of people with whom I attend school.  What is the point in living if you walk paths identical to those around you?  You should open up, experience new things, write poetry  .  I don't know how to better clarify, in the poem, the character's predicament.  I'd appreciate any pointers you, or anyone, could give.  Thanks for the nice comments, too.


since 2000-03-01
Posts 446
not heaven nor hell so...
3 posted 2000-03-02 12:13 PM

Dear Hailfellow,

Well, that is quite an impressive piece of poetry you have there, I am acutally a little lost for words.
In many ways I think that is how a lot of peple feel and in a way it's rather unerving to have someone sum it up so well in a poem.  I will be looking forward to reading more of your work in the future.

Good Luck.

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