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angel6917
Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 478
WI

0 posted 2000-02-17 03:27 PM


An Evening In Paradise

As the sun goes to sleep
And twilight gleams
Tonight we are together again
Our evening in paradise

All our pain and misery
Vanquished for the stars to smile
Just you and me in our
Evening paradise

A night for ancient fires
To be stoked again
To hold each other while
The world passes us by
Our own little universe
Our evening of paradise

I kiss you goodnight
as so do you
We watch the moon smile upon us
Wishing a wish upon a star
A prayer fo happiness
A prayer of love and hope
Together, in our evening of paradise

~Mojo

So, do ya all like this one?  Like last time, be honest!   ~Kristi Lynn    

© Copyright 2000 Kristi Stanczak - All Rights Reserved
poetry_kills
Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
1 posted 2000-02-17 08:01 PM


kristi: well, as most poems do, i think this one has some wrinkles that could stand to be ironed out, but overall i feel it's a good poem... three lines that your friend might consider amending are the first line (very cliche here... he might want to think of a new or less-common personification of the sun)... the second line of the 4th stanza (just doesn't make a lot of sense grammatically... might want to change it to something like "finding your lips meeting mine")... and finally, the fourth line of the 4th stanza (again, cliche, but here also with the additional problem of needless repetition... perhaps something more like "offering up to a falling star")...

sincerely,
jerome the melancholy priest

 Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
--[billy corgan]--

LyricFetish
Senior Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 528
North Carolina
2 posted 2000-02-17 09:03 PM


I agree with what poetry_kills suggested, but I still thought the poem was well done. It's very romantic.  
LyricFetish
Senior Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 528
North Carolina
3 posted 2000-02-17 09:03 PM


whoops

[This message has been edited by LyricFetish (edited 02-17-2000).]

angel6917
Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 478
WI
4 posted 2000-02-21 09:35 AM


Well, like usual, I would like to say that I like the poem just the way it is, but I'm glad you're honest with me and your opinions do mean a lot.  Thank you for replying and I'm sure I'll post some more of his poetry sooner or later...
~Kristi Lynn

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