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another poem by Mojo
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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another poem by Mojo |
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angel6917 Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 478WI |
An Evening In Paradise As the sun goes to sleep And twilight gleams Tonight we are together again Our evening in paradise All our pain and misery Vanquished for the stars to smile Just you and me in our Evening paradise A night for ancient fires To be stoked again To hold each other while The world passes us by Our own little universe Our evening of paradise I kiss you goodnight as so do you We watch the moon smile upon us Wishing a wish upon a star A prayer fo happiness A prayer of love and hope Together, in our evening of paradise ~Mojo So, do ya all like this one? Like last time, be honest! ~Kristi Lynn  |
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| © Copyright 2000 Kristi Stanczak - All Rights Reserved | |||
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
kristi: well, as most poems do, i think this one has some wrinkles that could stand to be ironed out, but overall i feel it's a good poem... three lines that your friend might consider amending are the first line (very cliche here... he might want to think of a new or less-common personification of the sun)... the second line of the 4th stanza (just doesn't make a lot of sense grammatically... might want to change it to something like "finding your lips meeting mine")... and finally, the fourth line of the 4th stanza (again, cliche, but here also with the additional problem of needless repetition... perhaps something more like "offering up to a falling star")... sincerely, jerome the melancholy priest Disarm you with a smile And leave you like they left me here To wither in denial The bitterness of one who's left alone --[billy corgan]-- |
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LyricFetish Senior Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 528North Carolina |
I agree with what poetry_kills suggested, but I still thought the poem was well done. It's very romantic.  |
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LyricFetish Senior Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 528North Carolina |
whoops [This message has been edited by LyricFetish (edited 02-17-2000).] |
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angel6917 Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 478WI |
Well, like usual, I would like to say that I like the poem just the way it is, but I'm glad you're honest with me and your opinions do mean a lot. Thank you for replying and I'm sure I'll post some more of his poetry sooner or later... ~Kristi Lynn |
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