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Teen Poetry #2
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since 2000-02-15
Posts 103
Cecil, Wisconsin USA

0 posted 2000-02-15 07:00 PM

I think this guy is a perfect guy for me and I really want him to be you think it will work? I need your opinion.                

For some reason you make me shine,
Is it because I think you're so fine,
There are things about you that I find overwhelming,
Is it your talent for being funny or singing,
Why am I recently constantly thinking about you,
Do you have a love waiting for me that's true,
You make me laugh everytime you're around,
Just by acting silly or making a funny sound,
You agree with me about many things,
About life and what the future brings,
My eyes light up when I see your face,
A hug I ask just for your sweet embrace,
I think you are such a mystery,
Wondering what you're thinking hopefully not misery,
What could happen between us, I guess,
Happiness without it turning into a total mess,
The girl before me was very hard on you,
Because when I look into your eyes I see pain I
never put you through,
It's hard to open myself up to thee,
Because I'm afraid of what you'll see,
Like everyone else there is possiblity we are meant to be,
If love is what you're looking for you'll find it in me,
Is it love what your lonely heart sings?,
Come to me because I want those exact things.

-Jennye Meshan

[This message has been edited by JennyeMeshan (edited 02-16-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Jennifer Trejo - All Rights Reserved
Senior Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 528
North Carolina
1 posted 2000-02-15 07:09 PM

I'm not sure I can tell you if he's "the one" or not because I don't know either of you. The way you've expressed yourself in this poem indicates that you have strong feelings for him, maybe love, maybe just a strong crush. Regardless though, your poem was great and I wish you the best of luck with your man.  

 "The bullets you bite from the pain you request, you're finding harder to digest" -Collective Soul

Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
2 posted 2000-02-15 10:14 PM

Welcome to Passions! I am not sure if this will do anything for this young man. I do not know him so I do not have an opinion on how he will take this. What I can tell you is that you have expressed your feelings well in this. I have a few problems with the technical part of this piece but if you want help with that I would like you to ask. The one thing that stood out to me is the thee you put in near the end. It is very out of place in this piece. You should either use that form of english throughout the piece or not at all. I know it works for the rhyme but it draws from the poem more then it enhances. Let me know if you would like a more in depth critique and I will work on it.


Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
3 posted 2000-02-16 12:39 PM

jennye: well, i have to second marilyn both in welcoming you to passions and concerning her advice about your use of the word "thee"... it just doesn't fit... it seems that you use it in order to maintain a rhyme scheme, but in my opinion the rhyme is messing up this poem... you twist phrases into awkward positions just to make them rhyme and it sometimes seems that you add a line just for its rhyme (something i'm sure we've all done now and again)... also, the final line does not rhyme (and it appears to be the only one that does not) which seems to throw off the whole idea of a rhyme scheme... i would suggest that you redraft this poem as free verse... mabye take out some of the needless gristle and get right to the poetic meat of the matter    

jerome the melancholy priest

 Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
--[billy corgan]--

since 2000-01-14
Posts 478
4 posted 2000-02-16 09:38 AM

Jennye:  I still can't tell you what I think Guido will say, but I think he'll like your poem...  When do I get to meet him???  When is the next time he'll be around?
Jerome: don't be too hard on Jennye, that's my job, 'cuz she's my girl...  
~Kristi Lynn    

Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872
just about where I want to be
5 posted 2000-02-16 09:58 AM

Great poem Jennye! Welcome to Passions! And a good piece of poetry for a first post also!  

stay cool Jennye


 "For every beauty, there is an eye somewhere to see it.
For every truth, there is an ear somewhere to hear it
For every love, there is a heart somewhere to receive it".--Ivan Panin

since 1999-12-02
Posts 443
6 posted 2000-02-16 08:04 PM

Good poem! Welcome To Passions! I echo all the above comments. It does however sound like a bigger crush then you say!


since 2000-02-15
Posts 103
Cecil, Wisconsin USA
7 posted 2000-02-17 09:21 PM

Kristi and Lavada,
I put my heart and soul into this poem. Thankx Kristi for being my best friend.
Thankx Lavada for being so nice!
Jennye T.

 If thou can wait then thou shall stay

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