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Any suggestions?
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Any suggestions? |
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Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
I thought it ended in my heart with that final word. I thought I wouldn't remeber. I thought I wouldn't care. But maybe I do care. Maybe I do still have that urge. Because once I shut that door, I felt so lonely and so wrong. And I feel that now. And I feel that still. I thought that once I spoke my heart, I'd be pronounced a woman. I thought that once I stood up for what I felt, I'd be pronounced proud. I thought I'd be happy, But I guess I thought wrong. It hurts so much to be alone without you. I don't know how I ever did it. I'd always thought I'd have you, but now that I don't I do regret it. Why did I forget to listen? Why did I forget my faults? Why did I forget how YOU felt? I just gave my heart the right to trample all over you. When you have done no wrong, And yet it's me that feels discomfort. Me that feels so sad. But when did it become a habit to blame it all on you? I think I don't know right from wrong, And I wish I would be taught. Because the one thing I feel now is sorry. But my pride won't let you know. My pride won't let me tell you, How bad I really feel. I've done this before, But now it feels so real. I just wonder if you see me and avoid looking my way. I see right through you, I see you on the inside. But even though it's crystal clear to the world. It's definatly hard for me to understand where it is your coming from. I wish you'd take the time to explain to me what I'm doing awefully wrong. I wish you'd love me like you told me. I wish I could understand. But then again I don't know if I can understand you. I don't know if I'm as loveable as I was long ago. If you read through my words you'll understand. The meaning of this poem. This isn't about love. Or a flame that suddenly died. It's about caring and trust and innocence, too. It's about a feeling I once had for you. About this friendship I once found in you. But I know all men all blind, That's defianatly plain to see. So judge me as you judge me. You're no match for me. [This message has been edited by Ron (06-25-2011 10:18 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Salooma - All Rights Reserved | |||
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Very nice. It describes all the emotions without going overboard. Great work.  |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
salooma: alright, now remember, you asked for help... *heh* (i think that's become forum code for "jerome's gonna tear it apart now")... anyway, i honestly think this is magnificently written and well thought-out poem... in fact, the only "problems" i see in it are matters of making your lines more powerful and not in any way of making them more poetic or structured... so here are my ideas: dont use wishy-washy words like "mabye" and "wish"... these words make you sound unsure about how you feel... use more straight-up statements (for example, "And what if I do still have that urge?" instead of "Maybe I do still have that urge.") amd use phrases like "i know", "my heart screams out that", "i desire", "i await", "i am assured that", and "i crave"... you've got such power in this poem... in these feelings... so use it!! make this poem speak to us!  make it move us to tears and scare us out of our socks... make us feel your rage, your passion, your desire, your love... make the poem scream your hopes and fears and dreams and tears all in a single line... i know you can do it... and i'll be waiting to see it  sincerely, jerome the mysterious priest p.s. -- the first stanza and the last two lines are perfect.. now just spice up the middle with a little more emotion and power and i think you'll have a masterful piece of poesy on your hands here [This message has been edited by poetry_kills (edited 02-12-2000).] |
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Ender Member
since 1999-12-08
Posts 200Yuma, AZ USA |
Keep your chin up. this is a wondeful poem. think happy thoughts. and keep up the great work. -Ender *I am not one to be feared. I am one that should be loved forever. -Ender* |
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Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
Thanks a lot you guys!!! And thanks for the great advice Jerome....I get what you mean about putting more power into my words. I had a lot of trouble working with this one when I found it, because I wrote it while ago and I didn't use any puncuation or lines or anything at all. It was just one full page of words. So I've been trying to change it, but that's all I had come up with. I'm gonna work on changing it and I'll edit it soon hopefully. Thanks for the great advice. Salma |
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