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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Love Can Be so Blind (i think i need a better title...) |
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Oo0ostephanio0oO Member
since 2000-01-19
Posts 194Massachusetts ~USA~ |
hey guys I need a bit of help with this short poem, not only a title but in the third stanza...the one with the asterik... Why are you so blind? Why can't you just see? You make me cry and feel so bad Why are you doing this to me? You have put me in a bind Where I am captured and can't get out You make me oh so mad Why can't you remember what I am all about? You were such a good find We knew each other very much ********* But now you make me feel so sad And I miss your soft and gentle touch Although you are still kind I have to let you free like dove I am so hurt and not very glad Just remember you were my first love :Thanks for reading this everyone, I want "I miss your soft and gentle touch" to stay so I need something that rhymes with touch. All I could think of was "much", but then the line I came up with didn't go with the peice so...help!  (:***Stephani***:) "A true friend will always stay a friend whether or not you feel as though the friendship or relationship is about to end." |
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| © Copyright 2000 Stephani Ann - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Oo0ostephanio0oO Member
since 2000-01-19
Posts 194Massachusetts ~USA~ |
Come to think of it..."I have to let you free like a dove" doesn't go very well either, ARGH! Help please! I'm making my own little poetry book, and I'm revising everything, and this one stuck out. : (:***Stephani***:) "A true friend will always stay a friend whether or not you feel as though the friendship or relationship is about to end." |
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Maitay Member
since 1999-07-16
Posts 158Sisters,OR,USA |
maybe you should put in the sentence "about each other we knew so much". That would flow very well. And maybe just call the poem "loves blindness". Good job on the poem, I realy like it ~The price of finding love is to eventually lose it. When I wish on a falling star, I wish not for material goods but to show kindness to others and be content with what the world may offer me~ ~Maitay Mirabel Litton~ |
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Majestic Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 264houston, tx. |
My soul remembers your feel But the feeling in my heart is such, That even though I despair I miss your soft and gentle touch Even now, this pain is so real I release you on the wings of a dove I am so hurt and my heart cries Just remember you were my first love I see that you had the first line in each stanza rhyming so even though i revised the third and forth stanza i have tried to keep the structure intact.. This is a very expressive poem...I really liked it..though i agree that the lines you mention cause a distraction..So here ya go..use these or not...and keep on writing.... ps...as a title...how about "Hearts Desire" [This message has been edited by Majestic (edited 02-09-2000).] |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
Loved the poem, Stephani. I liked what Majestic did to it also...sounds so heartwarming and majestic  I like the title he suggested also stay cool  ~~Lavada~~ [This message has been edited by sweetcollege_girl (edited 02-09-2000).] |
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Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
I think your poem is great as it is and for a title maybe...Love of a Dove or I don't know I'm sorry. I'm not to good with titles. But your poem is great! Salma |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
stephani: first, let me say that i'm very impressed you noted the problems in your poem and asked for help with them specifically... that shows that you are wanting to and ARE growing as a writer now to the poem... also, i think this poem is fairly well-written as it is... but hey, we can all use some improvement... i think the lines Majestic offers you are very good, and if you want to take what he's given you and run with it then best wishes to you in my response i'm going to focus on some of the shortcomings of this poem... structurally and dictionally and hopefully you'll end up a better writer in ALL of your poems for hearing this (notice i say "hopefully"... i dont put too much credit in my own advice, so take what you like and leave what you dont )... well, here goes:i immediately identify two potential problems here... one is that of structure (particularly in your attempts to twist sentence structure to a poetic advantage)... the other is your choice of common words... 1. i'm certain that you've read some of the classic poets of old and noted that many times they will use long dependent clauses to frame an actual idea within their poem (for example): Tyger Tyger, burning bright, In the forests of the night; What immortal hand or eye, Could frame thy fearful symmetry? --(William Blake "The Tyger") in this excerpt Blake doesn't actually make a statement until line 4... the first 3 lines are dependent upon that idea and are clauses thereof... this technique allows him to describe in much more detail the actual subject of the lines... does that make any sense?.. in your writing i notice that you tend to use brief, abrupt statements for each line... by utilizing this technique of drawing out one idea into numerous lines you can bring more depth of thought and description into your poetry... also, the times that you attempt to use dependent clauses as lines the meaning gets skewed due to the restructuring of the sentence (ex. "Although you are still kind/ I have to let you free like dove")... when you do this try and relate the two clauses somehow... look back up at the excerpt from Blake that i gave... he frames his idea with the Tyger and all of that seen in between is related by the reader to the idea of the Tyger... why is it that you have to let this person free? how does the reader know that he/she is kind?... explore the depths of your ideas... some of the best poetry i've ever read touched on only a single idea that on the surface would seem so superficial and common, but through the poet's exploration of the subject it has become an intellectual and poetic masterpiece (john donne was always very good at that)... alright... enough on that *heh* 2. looking at your rhymes in this poem i see the following: see-me, out-about, much-touch, dove-love... blind-bind-find-kind... bad-mad-sad-glad... now, while there is nothing wrong with these words in and of themselves, a well-read person will recognize a good portion of this list to be "trite rhyme"... those are words that have been used countless times in poetry and rhyme... trite rhyme often detracts from a poem's quality and true meaning due to the overuse of the word... when i say i "love" something then you might have to wonder whether i "love" it as one might love ice cream, or whether i "love" it as one might love one's own child... does that make any sense?... i would urge you to explore your vocabulary and begin to use words that mean more to the reader than just "love" or "sad"... words like adore, infatuation, melancholy, grief, lament, and euphoria... even if you can't think of exact rhymes for them, do the best you can... you'll be a better poet for it... well... i hope i've been of some help... and i hope that you learned at least something from what i've been babbling about... sincerely, jerome the mysterious priest p.s. -- oh yes, the title... i second majestic for "heart's desire"... A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Oo0ostephanio0oO Member
since 2000-01-19
Posts 194Massachusetts ~USA~ |
Thank you so much everyone! You all are so helpful. I like Hearts desire as a title, and I think I'm going to take Majestics "idea" for me. Also, poetry_kills, thank you so much. when I have a chance to sit down, and completely "take in" what you said, I'm going to change it all around to have a deeper meaning that not only I will completely understand, hopefully the reader will, too. Thanks again everyone I really appreciate your comments! : (:***Stephani***:) "A true friend will always stay a friend whether or not you feel as though the friendship or relationship is about to end." |
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