I Need Help (and not the phycological kind...lol)

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Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 2000-02-04 10:32 PM

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday and I have written her a poem. There is oneline that is weak and I was wondering if any of you had any suggestions. I need something powerful. Thaks for your help.

I was there
With your first breath
the tiny cry
Against my chest

I was there
For your first tooth
Each pain filled cry
I tried to soothe (this is the line..help!)

I was there
For your first word
The joy I felt
Was quite obsurd

I was there
For your first step
As you teetered
My heart leapt

I was there
For your first black eye
So many followed
You tumbled and cried

Now I am here
Four years to the day
You took your first breath
The years flew away

Now I am here
To tell you, my love
Happy Birthday Amanda
Your a gift from above

Die Lustig Kuh
New Member

since 2000-02-04

Posts 7

1 posted 2000-02-04 10:40 PM

Marilyn-
I'm new here, so I'm probably not the one to be giving advice, merely taking... However, I think the line about soothing fits the stanza perfectly.

-Die Lustig Kuh

Alwye

Moderator

Member Elite

since 1999-06-16

Posts 3850
In the space between moments

2 posted 2000-02-04 11:06 PM

This is really beautiful, Marilyn. I too liked that line, but I will continue thinking about it and see if anything that you may like better pops into my head! I know your daughter will love this.

*Krista Knutson*

One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.
~*Antonio Porchia*~

Astraea
Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 378
California! Yeah! Okay, I'm done now

3 posted 2000-02-04 11:14 PM

How about "Your tears I soothe"? But then again, maybe that's just me. Not to be intrusive, but souldn't the last line read "You're" instead of "Your"? Nevertheless, I think it's lovely just the way it is.

~Astraea

"Sometimes stars can only be seen in darkness."

"Sorrow's crown of sorrow is remembering happier things."

poetry_kills
Senior Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 549
new orleans

4 posted 2000-02-04 11:23 PM

marilyn: this is a very sweet poem

i think you're daugther will really appreciate you doing this for her...

*heh* i know i do this at the risk of sounding like a know-it-all, but i'm sure you want this poem to be perfect for you daughter (if i were you, i would), so i'll go ahead and divulge... just two VERY minor details actually... *heh* "obsurd" should be "Absurd" and the "your" in the last line should be "you're"... as for the (bad?) line... i think it's fine the way it is... it's not exact rhyme, but i still think it works... (there aren't too many appropriate rhymes for "tooth")... if i were you, i'd keep it...

sincerely,
jerome the boy with no brain

A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
~Coleridge

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