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I used you
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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I used you |
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Smore Member
since 2000-01-24
Posts 67el paso |
I must admit I used you I played you like a game I'd leave it alone and forget you But I'm left with all this shame I wanted to get over another And I thought you'd take his place But you know of my empty emotions You felt it in every embrace I didn't think you'd love me I never thought it'd go this far You like all the things I'd bring I made you feel like a star I can't be with you anymore To you I cannot lie So instead of saying good-night to you Tonight I'll be saying good-bye. [This message has been edited by Smore (edited 02-06-2000).] |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
smore: i like the expression in this poem and the way you carry out your idea, but there are a few problems within the verse that i'd like to address... the first two stanzas look pretty good as they are, but the 3rd and 4th find problems... here's my revised version of the 3rd and 4th stanzas: I didn't think you'd love me I never thought you'd go this far You say you liked the feelings I bring You said I was your guiding star But I can't be with you anymore I cannot continue to lie So instead of saying good-night to you Tonight I'll be saying good-bye just a few suggestive changes... i think it would improve the flow of the verse and clear up some grammatically sketchy spots... sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Isabelle Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 176Indiana |
You did a good job of expressing your feelings. Your stanzas are pretty good, but I do agree with the changes Jerome suggested. Isa  |
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