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Teen Poetry #2
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since 2000-01-24
Posts 67
el paso

0 posted 2000-02-04 09:03 PM

I told you I loved you
But you had nothing to say
I tried to hold you
And you push me away

So instead of begging
I'm letting you go
I'm smiling through tears
So this pain won't show

It's hard to accept you're moving on
But know I'll always be here for you
I'm always willing to listen
Whether you're happy or feeling blue

I can't hear about new girls  
Because it still hurts too much
And I can't hear about your dates  
And things of that such

I still miss you all of the time
Things aren't the same for me
I can do nothing but accept it
All you wanted was to be free.

[This message has been edited by Smore (edited 02-04-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Smore - All Rights Reserved
Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
1 posted 2000-02-04 09:08 PM

smore: i like the sentiment of this poem and the way you express it, but i feel that the verse becomes awkward in certain places in stanza's 4 & 5... you suddenly lengthen the lines from 5 or 6 syllables to 9 or 10... you might consider redrafting the poem in an attempt to shorten those stanzas a bit... i think it would read more smoothly that way... just a suggestion...

jerome the boy with no brain

 A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!

Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850
In the space between moments
2 posted 2000-02-04 10:09 PM

Very strong and heartfelt work, Smore.  If you wish to make this flow a little easier, Jerome gives some good advice.  Great job though!  

 *Krista Knutson*

One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.
~*Antonio Porchia*~

since 1999-12-02
Posts 443
3 posted 2000-02-05 01:35 PM

I echo all the above comments.  Let Jerome help and he'll make you wonderful poem into a masterpiece!
Alina Le Ann
Junior Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 40
4 posted 2000-02-06 07:20 PM

This poem is can I put this???......   WOW!!!  This is just great! I can really relate to this.... the way you worded it the way it flows....I'm amazed!
I really enjoyed it and I look forward to finding more of your work!!!    

Alina Le Ann

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