|Teen Poetry #2|
since 2000-01-24Posts 67
I told you I loved you
But you had nothing to say
I tried to hold you
And you push me away
So instead of begging
I'm letting you go
I'm smiling through tears
So this pain won't show
It's hard to accept you're moving on
But know I'll always be here for you
I'm always willing to listen
Whether you're happy or feeling blue
I can't hear about new girls
Because it still hurts too much
And I can't hear about your dates
And things of that such
I still miss you all of the time
Things aren't the same for me
I can do nothing but accept it
All you wanted was to be free.
[This message has been edited by Smore (edited 02-04-2000).]
|© Copyright 2000 Smore - All Rights Reserved|
since 1999-12-04Posts 549
smore: i like the sentiment of this poem and the way you express it, but i feel that the verse becomes awkward in certain places in stanza's 4 & 5... you suddenly lengthen the lines from 5 or 6 syllables to 9 or 10... you might consider redrafting the poem in an attempt to shorten those stanzas a bit... i think it would read more smoothly that way... just a suggestion...
jerome the boy with no brain
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
since 1999-06-16Posts 3850
In the space between moments
Very strong and heartfelt work, Smore. If you wish to make this flow a little easier, Jerome gives some good advice. Great job though!
One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.
since 1999-12-02Posts 443
I echo all the above comments. Let Jerome help and he'll make you wonderful poem into a masterpiece!
Alina Le Ann
since 2000-01-30Posts 40
This poem is .....well....how can I put this???...... WOW!!! This is just great! I can really relate to this.... the way you worded it the way it flows....I'm amazed!
I really enjoyed it and I look forward to finding more of your work!!!
Alina Le Ann
|⇧ top of page ⇧|
|All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.|