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chic
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 245
yellville, Ar, U.S.

0 posted 2000-02-03 02:49 PM


We were together
we were one.
I loved you then
I love you know.

You have moved
not to comeback.
I miss you so
I am planning a trip.

Our love is growing
stronger each day.
I have never
ever felt this way.

One day we
will be wed.
I will love you
even when I'm dead

I know it's not the greatest, but hey it was spontaneous. Give me ur info.   


© Copyright 2000 Barbara Mendoza - All Rights Reserved
sweetcollege_girl
Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872
just about where I want to be
1 posted 2000-02-03 03:00 PM


nice poem sis...i know you love Chris...by reading this poem   as for a title..how about... "Forever As One" or something to that effect...just a suggestion..don't mind me!  

 "Superiority to fate is difficult to learn. 'Tis not conferred by any, but possible to earn"--Emily Dickinson-"Superiority of Fate"

poetry_kills
Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
2 posted 2000-02-03 03:49 PM


chic: you know, i think if you sat down and expounded upon this poem a bit more that you'd have a beautiful work of art... thus far it seems like only the shell of a poem (not to demean your work... just to say that i dont think this is the best you can do   ).. i suggest you take the time to describe each line in a little more detail, then repost it and let us see what you've come up with...

example:

the first line might end up looking something like this --

We were together -- one soul, one mind --
Bound together in love we were one.
I loved you then: before I was born,
before earth was formed, and I love you now.


sincerely,
jerome the boy with no brain



 A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
~Coleridge

Jer
Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 443
USA
3 posted 2000-02-03 07:30 PM


This was great.  You will never see Jerome give a title so.... since he is helping you with the revisions I'll give you the title.  Try "Solitarily One" meaning one love or only one! Anyway thats just a sugg.
poetry_kills
Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
4 posted 2000-02-03 08:27 PM


jer & chic: *heh* i just dont feel right titling someone else's work... a title can say so much and i never know if i am interpreting the poem correctly...

sincerely,
jerome the boy that can't name things

 A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
~Coleridge

Salooma
Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781

5 posted 2000-02-03 09:36 PM


Nice poem.I do agree with poetry_kills though. You minght need to add alittle more to yur lines just to make it more poetic. It'a nice poem, but really simple. Keep up the good work!

Salma K. http://msnhomepages.talkcity.com/studiorow/salooma

jytree
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 336
omaha ark usa
6 posted 2000-02-04 02:29 PM


A simple love could easily be the name but not all great works are named so just keep that in mind peace out:>

 

chic
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 245
yellville, Ar, U.S.
7 posted 2000-02-04 02:42 PM


<font face="Arial, Arial, Verdana" color="#871f78" size="2">"I'd like to thank everyone for there beautiful replies :0  "

And for ur wonderful suggestions...me know me not good poet   but me try  </font>

[This message has been edited by chic (edited 02-04-2000).]

Marilyn
Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
8 posted 2000-02-04 10:14 PM


chic...Try is all we are asking for. Try is all I do.  

Listen to Jerome, he can help you improve. As for a title; how about My Heart or United as One.

poetry_kills
Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
9 posted 2000-02-04 11:38 PM


chic: "me know me not good poet... but me try" -- phooey!... you write beautifully... just because a poem can stand some revision doesn't make the poet any less an expresser of idea, does it?  of course not... i wouldn't say this is one of your best pieces, but i have read poetry of yours that has both moved and excited me... that is what a true poet does... dont ever let me catch you saying you aren't a poet   else i'll have to... well... do something... or mabye not.... but anyway... dont think that, kay?  

sincerely,
jerome the boy with no brain

p.s. -- no matter what, just remember that you're better than Ogden Nash *heh* (and he's famous!)  [that was a small joke  ]

 A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
~Coleridge


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