| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
|
|
||||||
| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
|
|
|
||||||
| Teen Poetry #2 |
|
Untitled(any suggestions?) |
|
|
chic Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 245yellville, Ar, U.S. |
We were together we were one. I loved you then I love you know. You have moved not to comeback. I miss you so I am planning a trip. Our love is growing stronger each day. I have never ever felt this way. One day we will be wed. I will love you even when I'm dead I know it's not the greatest, but hey it was spontaneous. Give me ur info.   |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Barbara Mendoza - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
nice poem sis...i know you love Chris...by reading this poem as for a title..how about... "Forever As One" or something to that effect...just a suggestion..don't mind me!  "Superiority to fate is difficult to learn. 'Tis not conferred by any, but possible to earn"--Emily Dickinson-"Superiority of Fate" |
||
|
poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
chic: you know, i think if you sat down and expounded upon this poem a bit more that you'd have a beautiful work of art... thus far it seems like only the shell of a poem (not to demean your work... just to say that i dont think this is the best you can do  ).. i suggest you take the time to describe each line in a little more detail, then repost it and let us see what you've come up with... example: the first line might end up looking something like this -- We were together -- one soul, one mind -- Bound together in love we were one. I loved you then: before I was born, before earth was formed, and I love you now. sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
||
|
Jer Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 443USA |
This was great. You will never see Jerome give a title so.... since he is helping you with the revisions I'll give you the title. Try "Solitarily One" meaning one love or only one! Anyway thats just a sugg. |
||
|
poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
jer & chic: *heh* i just dont feel right titling someone else's work... a title can say so much and i never know if i am interpreting the poem correctly... sincerely, jerome the boy that can't name things A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
||
|
Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
Nice poem.I do agree with poetry_kills though. You minght need to add alittle more to yur lines just to make it more poetic. It'a nice poem, but really simple. Keep up the good work! Salma K. http://msnhomepages.talkcity.com/studiorow/salooma |
||
|
jytree Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 336omaha ark usa |
A simple love could easily be the name but not all great works are named so just keep that in mind peace out:> |
||
|
chic Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 245yellville, Ar, U.S. |
<font face="Arial, Arial, Verdana" color="#871f78" size="2">"I'd like to thank everyone for there beautiful replies :0  "And for ur wonderful suggestions...me know me not good poet  but me try  </font>[This message has been edited by chic (edited 02-04-2000).] |
||
|
Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
chic...Try is all we are asking for. Try is all I do. Listen to Jerome, he can help you improve. As for a title; how about My Heart or United as One. |
||
|
poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
chic: "me know me not good poet... but me try" -- phooey!... you write beautifully... just because a poem can stand some revision doesn't make the poet any less an expresser of idea, does it? of course not... i wouldn't say this is one of your best pieces, but i have read poetry of yours that has both moved and excited me... that is what a true poet does... dont ever let me catch you saying you aren't a poet else i'll have to... well... do something... or mabye not.... but anyway... dont think that, kay? sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain p.s. -- no matter what, just remember that you're better than Ogden Nash *heh* (and he's famous!) [that was a small joke  ]A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
