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My Wish
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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My Wish |
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Minnie Junior Member
since 2000-02-01
Posts 14 |
Everynight I wish on my lucky star I find myself now wishing for the samething Night after night same wish on the same star Day after day I wish for that dream to come true I'll tell you my wish now in hopes it will come true I wish I may I wish I might Have this wish I wish tonight.... I wish you were here I wish I were there I wish we were together I wish I could see your face I wish I was falling asleep in your arms and not alone in my big bed I wish I could look into your eyes and tell you How do I tell you I have fallen in love with you? I wish things were different I wish things would change I wish you know that I love you so much I wish you could feel the pain I feel when we are together I wish I wasn't so damn scared It's only 3 words that could change everything I wish we were together so that I could tell you I wish you believed me when I said I Love You So I tell you oh lucky star Let him know that I love him so For when we are together all my wishes come true All I wish for now is the strength to tell him That I love him without being so scared. I Love You James! |
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| © Copyright 2000 Minnie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
james is a lucky guy to have a poet like you to love him. Welcome to the family!  great poem too!"Superiority to fate is difficult to learn. 'Tis not conferred by any, but possible to earn"--Emily Dickinson-"Superiority of Fate" |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
minnie: this is impressive for a first post you've done a very good job expressing how you feel about this individual... i have but a few small suggestions that might help improve this poem to your beloved... first, the tense in the line "I wish you know that I love you so much" is wrong... you might change it to "i wish that you knew I love you so"... also, i think the repetition of "i wish" gets a little distracting after a while... i think there are two things you could do that could help improve this... one is to variate the way you begin the lines (start of some with "i wish" others with "if only" and others you might simply omit the "i wish")... the other would be to add in a few lines of simply "i wish... i wish... i wish..." though some may not agree with me on this, i think that would bring the focus of the poem more around to the WISH and help the repetition to be seen as having a significant literary purpose... now, a little personal advice... there are a lot of people that come on here to get help with the poems they intend to send to their loves (i can't do that cause mine lurks around here a lot *grumble*)... my suggestion is this... that you add the following lines in place of the final line of the poem and give it to him (if you are so bold): Oh, Lucky star grant me fortune For now I no longer desire to simply wish -- Now i stand and boldly proclaim With all of me, I love you James! sincerely & best of luck, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
I agree with poetry_kills suggestions. Welcome to passions, this is good and very heartfelt. You're a great addition to the family! *Krista Knutson* One lives in the hope of becoming a memory. ~*Antonio Porchia*~ |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Wonderful first post, but could I suggest that you not post so many poems all at once? it tends to spam the forum and push others work down. Other than that, great work and welcome to passions! I am not a poet, I am merely one who speaks in emotion |
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