Teen Poetry #2 |
De Ja Vu (your heart falls again) |
hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
De Ja Vu Like De ja vu Wish it were through Want it to end The rules won't bend I'm losing the game Your to blame I see your madness I feel is constant sadness You wish you weren't here Pass me a beer Watch me fade to black She stabed me in the back Hearts blood crosses the floor You shut the door My world fades away What else can i say We're no longer one, but two Like de ja vu We're through 1-13-99 "Which is the dream?" SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. http://members.xoom.com/weeklyhoppy |
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© Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved | |||
sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
hoppy...i gotta hand it to you! this poem is great! Teriffic! Man, totally amazing! Way to go! Wow! ~~Lavada |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
hoppy: i really like the last 3 lines in this one... very powerful... i do, however, feel that the rhymes in the poem are a bit sing-songy... i've never been a huge fan of exact rhyme... perhaps you could spice it up a bit with some approximate rhyme here and there... for example: "i'm losing the game/ and i'm going insane/ but you're to blame/ for this lightning rain"... game and insane are approximate rhymes, just as blame and rain are... anyway... that's my suggestion... sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
thanks for the critiqing, i myself do not like a sing songy kind of rhyme scheme, usually i prefer slant rhyme as you described but i liked the way it sounded in this one, sort of a dance of words. "Which is the dream?" SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. http://members.xoom.com/weeklyhoppy |
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