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Teen Poetry #2
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since 2000-01-31
Posts 89

0 posted 2000-02-01 01:05 PM

Silent acid rain you owe me nothing ,
For the last time you emerged it bought only pain,
When your ran through those hidden valleys of my very being,
You lit me up on fire, I was wiped away clean.

Silent acid rain your owe me nothing,
I stopped loving you ages ago,
Your touch is darkness , a slow poison,
Your  beauty is gone ,your winds have grown slow,
Like old  times , now, when you catch me by surprise ,
Cool tears on my dead skin feeds me only lies,

Silent acid rain your owe me nothing,
I gave away my secrets, naïve I was , only to feel shame,
Moonlight whispers , shared agonies is all a bleak past , nothing's the same.
The last time  you  came ,a stranger you seemed, for my soul you killed!
A saint  you  are called , pure and gentle , but you  too have secretly sinned,

Ooh silent acid rain….in your glassy dreamy structure blood is all I see,
You had me dreaming . longing for love , but hate was all you reaped,
Years ago when you came , you brought gifts of hope and smiles,
Now  as those dark clouds gather …fierce and hungry,
My salvation , today , once again dies..

Oh silent acid rain , you owe me nothing…
For once long ago ,  your soft feathery touch ,  gave me life,  wanting more of your fiery  feel,
You have lost your magic , your holy powers , to  think you could  help me heal!
I discard you like a forgotten tommorow , on me you have no claim ,
Basking in glory , I bathe in the sun , I m free of you , oh cruel rain!
Touch me once again and I will die for all times oh sinister rain,
'Cause  that's what water is to a dying dancing flame!sf

Ma first time ..pls be honest! faith

© Copyright 2000 faith - All Rights Reserved
Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872
just about where I want to be
1 posted 2000-02-01 01:09 PM

a terrific poem A few misspelled words, but a great poem all the same! Thanks for posting! have any more poems? I'd like to see some more  


 "Superiority to fate is difficult to learn. 'Tis not conferred by any, but possible to earn"--Emily Dickinson-"Superiority of Fate"

Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
2 posted 2000-02-01 02:32 PM

Hmm what do I think and be honest you say....Are you ready? Just I honestly think you have a great start here. With a little work and refinement you would have an overpowering piece. We are soon going to be testing a mentorship program on the board. Basically the older, more experienced poets will mentor the less experienced ones. They will give yiou  hints and forms etc in order for you to improve your writing skills. This is an excellent rough draft and you could do wonders with it. If you are interested in the mentorship program please e-mail me. My addy can be found at the top of this reply.

Thanks, Marilyn.  

Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
3 posted 2000-02-01 04:33 PM

faith: i can't believe i almost let this one slip off the board... brilliant... bleedin' brilliant... i absolutely love it... the imagery, the feeling... superb job  :>  (and i assure you i dont say that to just any poem)... the only line that felt out of place was "The last time  you  came ,a stranger you seemed, for my soul you killed!".. i think you should rewrite this a bit (the structure is awkward)... perhaps something like "the last time you came you seemed a stranger -- you slaughtered my very soul"...

jerome the boy with no brain

p.s. -- might i make a suggestion? i suggest you take this same first verse and make a vilianelle out of it... that would be incredible...  

 A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!

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