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Open Poetry #3
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Such is The Way Of A Mistress
| Open Poetry #3 |
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Such is The Way Of A Mistress |
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PoeticPreacher Junior Member
since 1999-10-20
Posts 28jkljkj |
Hello...I am a newbie. I heard that poetry can be honestly critiqued here. I welcome comments on this poem... I Welcome criticisms on this poem...please Title:The Way Of A Mistress An understanding ear and And a flash of lustful eyes, Was all she needed For her deceptive disguise. He looked too long And then he went wrong. He lead by the wrong head As he felled into her bed. Such is the way of a mistress. She caused a good daddy To go astray. Misled a good husband Into an evil way. His money was improperly spent When there were places It could have went. His wife is trampled upon Like dirt, As he continues to Administer hurt. The memory of his family Fades away, As his lust for his mistress increases Each day. Her ointments and perfume Delights his heart, While her deceitful ways are Tearing his family apart Such is the way of a mistress. copyright 1999 all rights reserved Poet...me |
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| © Copyright 1999 PoeticPreacher - All Rights Reserved | |||
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PhaerieChild Senior Member
since 1999-08-30
Posts 1787Aloha, Oregon |
Wow! I must say it wasn't exactly as I thought it would be. I expected it to end as a sailing into the sunset type thing and the wife be damned, but you put the feelings of family there also and seem to feel guilty about it. Very good poem and heartfelt. Of course the ending is somewhat sad in the fact that it is "she" tearing apart the family rather than both of the parties involved. ------------------ If you love me like music, I'll be your song. ~Heart~ Dreamboat Annie |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I wonder why all the blame in this poem is placed on the mistress. Does he not have any control over his own life? |
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PoeticPreacher Junior Member
since 1999-10-20
Posts 28jkljkj |
The jest of the poem is to reveal the subtleness of something seemingly innocent. This poem is about an unseen temptation that a good daddy and husband was caught in. In this poem we learn that good husbands can make costly mistakes if he is not careful to continue to work at his marriage. I wrote this poem after seeing this happen with a great guy and a good family. Because he did not guard his heart against a temptation, his family was completely destroyed. All the blame is not placed on the mistress in the poem. It started with an attraction... "He looked too long And then he went wrong. He lead by the wrong head As he felled into her bed." |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Preacher, only because you sincerely asked for criticism will I make these comments. The thought behind the poem and the message expressed by it are very good. The grammatical mistakes, however, damage it. "he felled into her bed"..."it could have went" sound bad through their incorrectness. Since you have chosen to write in rhyme, you need a proper meter, or rhythym, to the poem. That is also lacking. If the poem were not as good as it is, these things might not stand out so obviously, but, since it is a very good poem, it deserves to be treated well. Keep it up. You've got good ideas. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I am just learning all about poetic structure myself, therefore cannot fairly talk about the structure. The flow is uneven in my reading though. I must disagree with your words though. Tempations in our society are everywhere. I do NOT believe that a man or woman's head can be turned unless they want it to be. Yes their are people wanting to seduce but one can't be seduced unless they let it happen. Okay...that was more then my two cents worth. |
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PoeticPreacher Junior Member
since 1999-10-20
Posts 28jkljkj |
Thanks for the critique Balladeer. That is one of the hurdles that I must overcome. When one has a dialect that is used only among one's peers, poetry's communique is limited. In my neighbor one might say...Child, that money could've went somewhere else. Thanks for bring that to my attention. If you see anything else, please let me know. Marilyn, I agree that temptation is only effective if we give into it. That's why one should always recognize it for what it is...ahead of time. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
not always her fault |
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