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Marilyn
Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 1999-10-14 01:37 PM


I dream of walking on the shore.
Do you see me or don't you care?
I can not make it to the door.

All huddled here confused and sore,
I'm caught and can't escape your lare.
I dream of walking on the shore.

to raise my head is such a chore,
Into the darkness I do stare;
I can not make it to the door.

My soul cries out,"Oh please, no more!"
I wanted just for you to share;
I dream of walking on the shore.

Your words have bruised me to the core.
I bang my head upon a chair;
I can not make it to the door.

I lay broken on the floor.
You were the one who threw me there;
I dream of walking on the shore.
I can not make it to the door.


© Copyright 1999 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved
INclan
Senior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 1024
Indiana, USA
1 posted 1999-10-14 01:41 PM


Nicely done for a painful subject. I liked the way you kept repeating one phrase...it ties together well.

INclan

Marilyn
Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
2 posted 1999-10-14 01:49 PM


Thankyou INclan.....It has been a while since I posted anything in open. I was hopping I wasn't forgotten.
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
3 posted 1999-10-15 04:20 AM


Marilyn, it was nice to have you in the same class, I really enjoyed watching this poem grow from the ground up. You did a wonderful job with it
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
4 posted 1999-10-15 11:19 AM


Thankyou hoot....It was a challenge for me. I haven't had any formal training in poetry until now. It was fun and challenging.
U K Hero
Member
since 1999-08-08
Posts 266
England
5 posted 1999-10-15 11:23 AM


yes I agree with INclan, the repeating line does fall very well into the structure of the poem, well done.
suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
6 posted 1999-10-15 11:26 AM


I can't judge the form but I like the poem!
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
7 posted 1999-10-15 01:35 PM


Excellent effort, Marilyn. It takes many people several attempts at this form to show the talent you have here. Nicely done.
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
8 posted 1999-10-15 10:56 PM


U K Hero...Thankyou. The repeating of the lines is the form of a villanelle. I am glad you liked it.

suthern...I am glad that you liked it and Nan's workshop helps learning the forms. The next one starts this weekend. I am looking forward to the challenge.


Balladeer....Your words mean so much to me. You know that I admire your work and I thankyou for such high praise. I still need some work on my meter. I am getting there though. LOL.

Watcher666
Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 1606

9 posted 1999-10-16 06:12 AM


Well done!

------------------
Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you.

Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

10 posted 1999-10-16 07:22 PM


Very good, Marilyn! You guys all did so well on these! I am impressed!

------------------
Denise

caroline
Senior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 1218
http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm
11 posted 1999-10-17 12:35 PM


I see you are an excellent student, Marilyn This was touching, and very nicely done.

------------------
"Tread softly, for I have spread my dreams under your feet"~~William Butler Yeats


Marilyn
Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
12 posted 1999-10-17 03:36 PM


Watcher, Denise and caroline...thankyou all for reading and replying to this. It was fun doing it!
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