an attempt at Haiku - pipTalk Forums

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Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 1999-09-30 08:17 PM

I lay broken on the floor.
You don't see me there.
It is the Place you threw me.
There is no turning back.

You don't see me there.
Alone and weeping.
There is no turning back.
Where now is my future?

Alone and weeping.
Cold in the misery.
Where now is my future?
Walled into the horror.

Cold in the misery.
It is the place you threw mw.
Walled into the horror.
I lay broken on the floor.

OOopppss this is pantoum...an attempt at pantoum.

[This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 09-30-1999).]

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

1 posted 1999-09-30 08:38 PM

Wow! This is fabulous! Loved it!

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Denise

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

2 posted 1999-09-30 08:43 PM

Denise I think you are my greatest fan!...lol...Thankyou for taking the time to read and comment on my work.

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

3 posted 1999-10-01 12:01 PM

Heaven knows, I'm not an expert on formats *G* But I don't think this is haiku. It is, however, beautiful poetry!

Sally S.
Senior Member

since 1999-06-07

Posts 847
Ohio

4 posted 1999-10-01 01:05 PM

I began to wonder...."What Haiku??"
But, the poem is great. (sad..but great) I wish I knew more about these formats. (Nan, I know....I knowwwww....I have homework to do!!!)

[This message has been edited by Sally S. (edited 10-01-1999).]

Lost Dreamer
Member Elite

since 1999-06-20

Posts 2464
Somewhere near the Rainbow

5 posted 1999-11-06 07:32 PM

Good job no matter what format you call it. You expressed your feelings well.

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

6 posted 1999-11-06 07:35 PM

Yep, I still like this one! Good job, Marilyn! What is Haiku?

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Denise

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

7 posted 1999-11-06 09:53 PM

Denise...once I figure that out I'll write a real one...lmao. And I'll let you know!

Watcher666
Senior Member

since 1999-10-13

Posts 1606

8 posted 1999-11-06 11:11 PM

Nicely done!

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Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you.

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

9 posted 1999-11-06 11:42 PM

Marilyn, I like the content of this poem. Here is the correct form of a pantoum (standard 6 stanza), the numbers representing the lines, and letters representing the rhyme scheme.

1 A
2 B
3 A
4 B

2 B
5 C
4 B
6 C

5 C
7 D
6 C
8 D

7 D
9 E
8 D
10 E

9 E
11 F
10 E
12 F

11 F
3 A
12 F
1 A

Hope this helps (LOL I also hope I wasn't too confusing)

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Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices.

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