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Moon's Woe
| Open Poetry #3 |
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Moon's Woe |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I am not happy with this one. Any suggestions on how to smooth it out would be appreciated. Once upon a crescent Moon, Two fairies danced by lofty tune. In fits of laughter they did swoon, Alas all ended much too soon. Soon, Moon had turned his weary head, To cry his tears which were blood red. Moon's sorrow cast and evil spell, Upon the ones on Earth did dwell. Lover's used to stroll beneath, Celestial glow, he did bequeath. Hence, red cast such an evil tone, People began to wretch and moan. Evil spirits used this red, To dance and sing, to spread such dread. The fairies looked upon this scene, Such evil frolic was so obscene. "Moon, why do you cry so red?" One fairy asked from 'neath her bed. Forlorn, this Moon had but one wish, As tears rolled down he began to dish. To dance and sing with such utter grace, I envy you two, Tis my disgrace. The fairies shocked at this display, Chastised the Moon with much dismay. You are special, yes, this is true! There be no one as sweet as you. Look upon these people beneath, Such effect the glow that you bequeath. The lovers used to idyllicly stroll, Beneath your glorious, heavenly glow. But now that the evil is let free, People run and hide, scream and flee. You must be true unto yourself! Put your talents not on a shelf. We treasure you just as you are. As lovers wishing on a star. Dry up your tears, remove this red. Put this evil back to bed. Watch lovers stroll, your light give birth. Then you'll understand your worth. Moon took the fairy's words to heart, Turned his head, to us depart. Celestial glow, now all is well. That is all this tale does to tell. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
Marilyn....I don't think I'd change a thing...this was superbly written and thought out! Great job sweets! |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Marilyn: I must echo Toerag (hey, following him is not exactly a chore *G*)... I think it's great!! Well done!  |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Toerag....Thanks my friend. I find the flow is choppy in places and one rhyme just isn't there. I do aprreciate your kudo's though...*S* suthern....I always thought following Toe would be difficult. He does all of this ducking and weaving...lol. |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Marilyn, I have just a fwe suggestions. First, I found the ppoem easy to follow nearly all the way through. But when I read the first stanza, while very good, I thought the rhyme scheme was going to be AAAA BBBB, but you switched on us! Perhaps if thatw ere fixed... Also, I think the word red was overused....perhaps you could exchange it with things like: ruby, crimson, garnet, etc. Also, I couldn't tell when people were and were not talking without quotation amrks: That is my biggest gripe. All in all, the poem worked for me, just those few things caught my attention. ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Once upon a crescent Moon, Two fairies danced by lofty tune. In fits of laughter they did swoon, Alas all ended much too soon. Soon, Moon had turned his weary head, To cry his tears which were blood red. Moon's sorrow cast and evil spell, Upon the ones on Earth did dwell. Lover's used to stroll beneath, Celestial glow, he did bequeath. Hence, crimson cast an evil tone, People began to wretch and moan. Evil spirits used this ruby hue To dance and sing, raise much adue The fairies looked upon this scene, Such evil frolic was too obscene. "Moon, why do you cry so red?" One fairies asked from 'neath her bed. Forlorn this Moon had but one wish, As tears rolled down he began to dish. "To dance and sing with such utter grace, I envy you two, Tis my disgrace." The fairies shocked at this display, Chastised the Moon with much dismay. "You are special, yes this is true! There be no one as sweet as you. Look upon these people beneath, Such effect the glow you bequeath." "The lovers used to idyllicly stroll, Beneath your glorious, heavenly glow. But now that the evil is let free, People run and hide, scream and flee." "You must be true unto yourself! Put your talents not on a shelf. We treasure you just as you are. As lovers wishing on a star." "Dry up your tears, lift up your head. Put this evil back to bed. Watch lovers stroll, your light give birth. Then you'll understand your worth." Moon took fairies words to heart, Turned his head, to us depart. Celestial glow, now all is well. That is all this tale has to tell. Amy...I tried some of your suggestions. What do you think of this one? I didn't change the first stanza. I kinda like it...lol. |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio |
I liked the first and second as well....The changes were subtle but, good. I'd add one more perhaps.... "Moon, why do you crytears so red?" Just a suggestion....The meter is almost there. All in all, I think it's a lovely poem. Nice work! |
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brandondinsmore Member
since 1999-10-27
Posts 142OKC, OK |
I loved the poem. Maybe, though, you should exagerrate the subject in each line, or maybe just the verse more. i.e. The moon...(something descriptive) fjdklfjsdl;jfsjfl;s The fairies... fjlaksjfl;ksadjflksd You know what I'm saying? Anyway, Great job! Keep going. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, Marilyn, you asked so I'll give you my honest comments. I know that you know me well enough that I only want the criticism to be constructive, to help you. Upon the ones one Earth did dwell..not only is grammatically incorrect, it is very choppy with no fluidity. Such evil frolic was so obscene...eliminate the "so". It throws off the count. As tears rolled down he began to dish...This sentence has no redeeming quality whatsoever. To dance and sing with such utter grace....eliminate the "such" Such effect to glow that you bequeath...very choppy That is all this tale does to tell...the last line of a poem is important. It's what lingers on the reader's tongue. This one doesn't carry its weight. The syllable counts are as follows: 7-8-8-8 9-8-8-8 7-8-8-8 7-8-8-9 7-8-8-9 9-9-8-8 8-8-8-9 10-9-9-8 8-8-8-8 8-7-8-7 8-7-8-8 You're close, but everywhere you see a difference there, choppiness is being created. One you have the syllable count corrected, then meter is next. Even if the syllable count is exact, if the accents fall in different places, fluidity is lost. Ex: Hence, red cast such an evil tone People began to wretch and moan. Both lines have eight syllables but the accents are: -/-/-/-/ /--/-/-/ (where "/" is the accented syllable) The last half of the two lines flow smoothly but the the first halves are choppy, due to the accents being in the wrong place. The idea behind the poem and much of what you have written is excellent. Smoothness and fluidity comes from mastering the mechanics. Writing rhymed poetry is easy. Writing good rhymed poetry takes work. So how good do ya wanna be? Take care, Marilyn. Hope I helped you a little. |
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Richard 33 Member
since 1999-09-09
Posts 187glen easton, wv usa |
Marilyn, personally I liked them boath, I am sure with your talent, you will get it made to your liking!! BEAUTY IS IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER *S*!!!! [This message has been edited by Richard 33 (edited 10-27-1999).] |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Thakyou all for the comments. Balladeer..... I knew I could count on you to help me. I knew when posting this it was so incomplete but I couldn't fingure it all out. I am just learning the machanics and was hopping you would look at it and give me advice.(I should have posted that..*blushing*). This is still a work in progress. To answer your question I would like to be great. This is the reason I am taking Nan's classes. I definately will put more work into this and see if it works. I hope I can count on you to comment on my revisions. Sally..thanks for the suggestion. I will take it into concideration. Richard.....You words ring true but I am not happy with this piece and really want to work it out. You are so sweet to me..*S*. |
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Watcher666 Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 1606 |
Marilyn....I enjoyed both versions of this,but the first is a bit choppy to read.Wish I could help,but I'm the last person to give advice on meter and rhyme!Good Luck. ------------------ Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you. |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
Great job Marilyn both times! You have such a good imagination, whereas I only write what I feel strongly. Except for those the Knight and His Maiden Fair poems I did a while ago. I envy your talent my friend ------------------ How long after you are gone will ripples remain as evidence that you were cast into the pool? ~Isis~ (Daughter of Mystery) |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
Marilyn, Hope you don't mind my posting a moon poem in the same session as yours. I'd been throwing stuff round in my head on my holiday, as it was full moon there on the sea, very inspiring. Hope you understand!? ------------------ How long after you are gone will ripples remain as evidence that you were cast into the pool? ~Isis~ (Daughter of Mystery) |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Watcher..thankyou for your comment and your honesty. I have high hopes for this piece but an struggling with it. Many hours spend trying to figure it out. Here's hoping!..*lol* Isis my poetry sister...You may post anything you like at the same time as I do. I am sure your Moon poem is much better then mine. It is just GREAT to have you back! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hi, Marilyn. Sorry it took so long to get back. Long work day. Your revision is excellent. You made several great changes that make a good difference. Now, let me just hit you with these couple of thoughts, try them on for size, and go the way you think best. Line 12.."People began" begins the sentence with the wrong accent. I suggest "Causing them..." or something similar. 4th stanza is still 9-8-8-9. Changing evil to vile and 'was too' to 'so' would correct that. Sally S's suggestion of tears so red is right on. You need another syllable and that would do nicely. "with such utter grace"...erase 'such' "the evil is let free"....erase 'let' Both of these prases are too long and those words can be done without. "he began to dish" still is too weak to use. You can do better. Well, like I said, the changes you have made already made a huge difference to the smoothness of the poem. If you want to use any of my thoughts, ok, and if not, it is still an excellent poem. Taking Nan's class is good, too. There's no one better. Good luck, Marilyn! |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
I like it |
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