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Krystal
Member

since 1999-06-19

Posts 140
Shelton,WA USA

0 posted 1999-06-29 06:55 PM

I jumped into the fire
Naked, with my eyes closed;
"It's a matter of trust," you say,
I say that's the way love goes.

Your flame showed me the way
In the dark -- but it burned my skin;
When I think I'm getting somewhere, I'm just
A butterfly stuck on a pin.

And the truth hurts
When there is no escape;
The truth hurts,
And it's thin like crepe.

So I look into your eyes,
Searching for a sign;
But nothing is revealed--
The mirror is benign.

There's only fire and ice
Beneath the surface;
Why do we wander through Hell
Without even a purpose?

And the truth hurts
When there is no escape;
The truth hurts,
And it's thin like crepe.

------------------
Shannon D. Montgomery
("Krystal")

Christina Myers
Member

since 1999-06-21

Posts 159

1 posted 1999-06-29 07:32 PM

Krystal, this is wonderful... it moved me along very quickly and I really liked it...
one suggestion though, I think to give the ending a bit more of a punch you might try another stanza, working in the crepe line again so that it carries some momentuem...
but overall this is a really strong piece and I've read it three times!!

-Christina

Krystal
Member

since 1999-06-19

Posts 140
Shelton,WA USA

2 posted 1999-06-29 07:41 PM

Christina...
Thank you very much for your insight and your kind comments! I will try to re-work the ending sometime, also... very good suggestion. Thanks for reading and replying.

------------------
Shannon D. Montgomery
("Krystal")

Lost Dreamer
Member Elite

since 1999-06-20

Posts 2464
Somewhere near the Rainbow

3 posted 1999-06-29 07:59 PM

I loved all the lines of this poem, but this one really struck me as good "When I think I'm getting somewhere, I'm just
A butterfly stuck on a pin."

Krystal
Member

since 1999-06-19

Posts 140
Shelton,WA USA

4 posted 1999-06-29 08:08 PM

Thank you so much for your comments, Lost Dreamer!

------------------
Shannon D. Montgomery
("Krystal")

Fred Hobbs
Member

since 1999-06-08

Posts 329
Tallahassee, Florida, US

5 posted 1999-06-29 10:33 PM

Krystal,

I really like this one! It's one of your best and they all have been excellent.

sandman

Krystal
Member

since 1999-06-19

Posts 140
Shelton,WA USA

6 posted 1999-06-30 04:04 AM

Wow, Fred! I'm glad to know you think it's one of my best... that is encouraging. Thanks so much for reading and responding!

------------------
Shannon D. Montgomery
("Krystal")

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