Open Poetry #1 |
Please tell me what you think!! New poet! |
Newguy Junior Member
since 1999-06-27
Posts 36Moultrie, GA, USA |
Sunrise Early we gather by cliffs on the sea, waiting so radiantly for the breach of the dark, the opening of the night; the onset of a new beginning. Suddenly it begins, the fire from above, and we stare into each others eyes, as the beams rain down, coating us and everything else in their paths with a shimmering glow. These moments of beauty, a vision of perfection stares back at you, no, us, during these wonderous sunrises we share. Bleeding Within Inside I am bleeding, With each beat my heart yields, And sorrow consumes me Yet my demeanor conceals. With each day that passes, With each thought of her sin I should think of the future Yet I'm bleeding within. Why should it matter? Why should I care? She crushed and betrayed me, But my love is still there. I try to ignore it, Say our times at it's end, Outside I'm strong, But I'm bleeding within. And as I author These words and these lines I can't help but think of And remember our times. Now things are changing, A new chance to begin, My love though consumes me, As I sit bleeding within. |
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© Copyright 1999 Newguy - All Rights Reserved | |||
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Welcome to the family! What do I think? Loved the first one....loved the second one even more! You have a gift for imagery! I loved the line "bleeding from within"...after all, as our heart beats we are in effect bleeding... Great job, I look forward to many more! |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
very nicely put together newguy cant wait to see more. (told you what i think bout yours now tell me what you think bout mine) |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Keep reaching. You've got the gift, now explore it. |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
I think "Bleeding Within" is written quite well. Your meter and rhyme are excellent, as is the message. For the first poem, "Sunrise", my suggestion would be to "show me", instead of "telling me". As is, I think it works well as narrative prose... it is very beautiful.... but I wonder about the significance of the line breaks. To make it more effective poetically, I would make use of metaphor or simile to enhance the imagery of the piece. Maybe something like, "Your eyes are the dawn" ... I hope you were truly asking for criticism since I am only trying to assist you in your craft because I thought that was what you were seeking when you wrote, "please tell me what you think". Clearly, you have a talent! Keep working and keep posting. -dp |
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Andrew Scott Member Elite
since 1999-06-24
Posts 2558Redlands,CA,USA |
I liked the feeling of the first poem, but prefered the rhyme and meter of the second. "Bleeding Within" produced more emotion. Thanks for sharing. Andrew |
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