Open Poetry #1 |
Awakening |
Krystal Member
since 1999-06-19
Posts 140Shelton,WA USA |
I woke up this morning, And you were there with me; You must have come in through the window By the tallest Evergreen tree. When I awoke, Your hands were running through my hair; How nice it felt To know once more that you were there. I rolled over Just to be closer to you; Felt you warm against my side, And knew our love was true. But... alas! Things just are not what they seem; For when I opened my eyes, you had gone And left me awakening from a dream. ------------------ Shannon D. Montgomery ("Krystal") |
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© Copyright 1999 Krystal - All Rights Reserved | |||
fjones Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 98MS |
Very good!!! A short to the point story which has a surprise ending-Great. My kind of poem [This message has been edited by fjones (edited 06-23-99).] |
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Wolfgang Member
since 1999-05-24
Posts 124Hamilton, Ont. Canada |
the thought you have put into this poem is one of tenderness and romance....but,there are too many repetitions of waking. : "I awoke this morning" "When I awoke" "I opened my eyes" "left me awakening" To my taste, if you could take out some of these repetitions and do a rewrite on the poem it might make more of an impact. But keep on writing and dreaming, dreams are after all the essence of poetry. ------------------ Wolfgang |
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Krystal Member
since 1999-06-19
Posts 140Shelton,WA USA |
Fjones... Thank you very much!! Glad you liked it... Wolfgang... haha... yes, I guess you are right! I overlooked it myself. That's why I'm glad you critiqued it for me! I will work on that. Thank you for your comments and for your honesty and insight. ------------------ Shannon D. Montgomery ("Krystal") |
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#5 PS Junior Member
since 1999-06-21
Posts 19Ogden, Utah, USA |
Wolfgang, I have to disagree with you. When I dream I waken but really never "waken" ya know? I think that is what she is getting to...the first wakening is the beginning of the dream the real awaken is the nightmare to find she is alone... very good poem ------------------ #5 Poetic Society |
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Krystal Member
since 1999-06-19
Posts 140Shelton,WA USA |
Thank you #5.... ------------------ Shannon D. Montgomery ("Krystal") |
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Wolfgang Member
since 1999-05-24
Posts 124Hamilton, Ont. Canada |
Hi there #5. I tried to see it your way but was utterly unsuccessful. I think it's great that we all interpret poetry a little different. |
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