Lost Crusade (Would really like to know what you think, because I'm not sure myself)

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Andrew Scott
Member Elite

since 1999-06-24

Posts 2558
Redlands,CA,USA

0 posted 1999-08-31 01:29 PM

He drew his sword in the name of the church
To destroy the heretic, to protect home and hearth
Gallantly riding roads for foreign lands
Leaving green pastoral hills for desert dunes of sand

His courage was strong full of lordly might
And he slaughtered the heathen foe with God given right
Challenges he met with the greatest zeal
Till faced by a child's tear full of mercy's appeal

Upon that face he gazed a bloody road
Of wonton destruction forced upon persons untold
Of a city laid waste below his blade
In the name of God, he could not continue this raid

Casting sword aside, he vowed peace his path
Open handed he turned round and met a father's wrath
Shielding home and hearth from the infidel
The scimitar cut true and a repentant man fell

[This message has been edited by Andrew Scott (edited 08-31-99).]

Toerag
Member Ascendant

since 1999-07-29

Posts 5622
Ala bam a

1 posted 1999-08-31 02:20 PM

Whoa! That's really strong Andrew....expertly done in my opinion......(but don't go by my opinion fersure....LOL....but I think this is really great!)

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

2 posted 1999-08-31 03:12 PM

Only because you asked, Andrew....the syllables and accents are way out of line, making the poem extremely choppy.The couplets Stanza ONE alone have syllables of 10-13 and 10-14. The words are good, the thought is terrific and the theme of the poem is excellent quality...so good that it deserves good meter to do it justice. Please take this in the right way. I have always admired your poetic abilities.

Toerag
Member Ascendant

since 1999-07-29

Posts 5622
Ala bam a

3 posted 1999-08-31 03:14 PM

Andrew...now yassee why I said don't go by my opinion.......Mr. Balladeer IS a pro however...and you can and should take into consideration his advice.....But he did agree with me on the excellent thinggie however....LOL

Lucie
Senior Member

since 1999-06-20

Posts 1077
Houston

4 posted 1999-08-31 03:17 PM

I agree with Balladeer.. this poem deserves the work it will take to make it flow. Very powerful words though. I would enjoy seeing the final draft.

Andrew Scott
Member Elite

since 1999-06-24

Posts 2558
Redlands,CA,USA

5 posted 1999-08-31 04:10 PM

Thanks one and all for your polite push toward what I hope is a better poem.
Sir Balladeer: Constructive criticism is always welcomed, especially from one whose opinion is valued as much as yours. I was aware of the syllable problems in the latter stanzas, but failed to notice the problem in the first. A product of a lazy tongue when counting "pastoral" I do believe. Everything should be 10-13 now. Not ever having had any real instruction in poetry writing, is this a legitimate format? Or should I ask Professor Nan? Is there anything else you might suggest?
Toe: I've much enjoyed your humor and the occasional serious work you've posted. I thank you for your comments and I bow to you and yours. My best to you.
Lucie: Thank you as well. Your presence is much appreciated, as is your work.

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

6 posted 1999-08-31 05:08 PM

Andrew: I'll defer the construction advice to the experts... But you passed my test with flying colors!!! I'm very much a "what does it say?" person... and I enjoyed!

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

7 posted 1999-08-31 05:53 PM

Nope, 10-13 isn't the answer. A poem flows best when rhyming couplets, or rhyming lines if you are using a-b-a-b or a-b-b-a have the same syllable count AND the same accents. Ex:

"I came home just the other day
And saw my son had gone away." - Both with 8 syllables and the meter of -/-/-/-/ ("/" being the accented syllable)

"She didn't realize the way her movements made me feel
The way she laughed or how she turned her head
But as I watched her quietly my mind began to reel
Of thoughts that would be better left unsaid."

The rhyming lines have 14 syllables each for 1 an 3 and 10 syllables each for 2 and 4. Even though the stanza consists of 14-10-14-10 the flow is good.

Check where the accents fall in your sentences. In your 3rd and 4th lines, for example, the accents are as follows:
/ - - / - / - / - /
Gallantly riding roads for foreign lands
- - / / / - / - / - /
Leaving green pastoral hills for desert dunes

Perhaps you can see that if the sentences begin with the accents placed /-- in the top line and --/ in the bottom, the smoothness is sacrificed. Whatever meter you decide to use in the first line of the couplet needs to be followed by an equal meter in the second. Ex:

Gallantly riding roads to foreign lands
Onward he left his hills for desert sand

Meter makes us work at this often cruel craft. "to go" and "follow", for example, don't cut the mustard. The meter is -/ and /-. Drives me crazy sometimes. It's basically just a personal thing of how proficient you want to be. Toerag, for example, follows no rules that I'm aware of. He doesn't have to. He's funnier than hell and throws words down for the simple satisfaction of making people laugh. Darned if I can find anything wrong with that philosophy. I admire him for that gift....just don't tell him I said so. But, if you really want to get it down in rhymed poetry, the rhyme, meter and flow of the poem is essential.

Off my soapbox. Hopefully I haven't bored you and that there's something in all this gibberish that you can use. You've got the thoughts and the words...the rest is just mechanics.

Andrew Scott
Member Elite

since 1999-06-24

Posts 2558
Redlands,CA,USA

8 posted 1999-08-31 06:40 PM

Sir Balladeer: Poetics 101! So what's the unit equivalent for this class? I can't argue the price and the instructor seems pretty cool. Just don't tell me Toe is registered as well. I don't think I could stand the pressure. So, 10-13 doesn't work! Damn, but I'll have to go back and look at my other works now. Ignorance is bliss, but it sure does show. Honestly, thanks for the time and effort… I'll try putting these tips to work. What? HOMEWORK! What do you mean a complete dissertation on EE Cummings by Thursday? Man, but this guy is tough. Is it too late to drop?

suthen: Thanks for stopping by... glad you enjoyed. Always a pleasure to see your mark.

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

9 posted 1999-08-31 07:03 PM

Actually, it IS too late to drop. You've been bitten by that nasty poetry bug and the only cure is to keep on scratching them out!

No, Toe is not registered. He prefers to study over at Hooters. He enjoys it more when THEY give him pointers!

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

10 posted 1999-08-31 07:23 PM

Huh?????
Did somebody call me????

Andrew Scott
Member Elite

since 1999-06-24

Posts 2558
Redlands,CA,USA

11 posted 1999-08-31 07:45 PM

Hey Nan! Thanks for the way-too-cooool graphic, but I think I got enough from Sir Balladeer to keep my brain working triple overtime in the mechanics of poetry. You truly are the coolest of the cool.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.