We Love Differently (rough draft of my first poem ever)

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traveler
Member

since 1999-08-17

Posts 119

0 posted 1999-08-23 12:09 PM

We Love Differently

This lonely, private, hell,
Such oppressive heat;
Heart an empty, winter well,
Constricted, it will not beat.

Asked for my heart, she wanted it alone,
Committed, I sealed it with a kiss;
But, now it is separate from her own,
While she seeks her other bliss.

Said she, "no other love like this before",
How, "her other half I did fill";
Then why let strangers behind that private door,
Would it be ever so ... until ...

Then we talked, agreed, I stayed;
Your love, promised yet again,
Cold promise made, you strayed;
Insecurities filled? A stranger now a friend?

Our time together, oh so sweet,
Then the only one you loved was me;
In my absence how your heart does beat,
Then I'm gone, and with another, content you'll be.

A first attempt, may well be my last. Critcisms are still welcome.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 1999-08-23 01:42 PM

Traveler, we certainly hope this will not be your last attempt.

You change from third person to second person and thus changes the context of your poem. Are you writing about someone, or to someone? If you want to keep it as is, then you need to encapsulate the second person in quotes.

Otherwise, good job!

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Sunshine
Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ
Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

2 posted 1999-08-23 01:55 PM

Traveler, you have good ideas that you seem to be able to put on paper easily. I would suggest that, if you feel serious about writing in the rhyming style of poetry, you study lessons and tips on meter and rhyme. There are plenty available on the internet. Writing good poetry is not as simple as just sitting down, jotting the words on paper and reaching for excellence. It is a learned skill, like driving a car. Study the rules of the road, then take your thoughts out for a test drive. You may find that you really enjoy it. Give it a shot. You'll get a lot of support here.

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

3 posted 1999-08-23 03:57 PM

This was touching and heartfelt ... I enjoyed reading it though it made me sad ...

Balladeer, I think you are being too harsh with your comments on rhyme and meter ... I think poetry has to come from the heart to be good ... I have nothing against rhyme ... LOL ... as I do use it a lot ... but sometimes rhyme and meter has to be sacrificed to pure emotion ... if all poetry were the same it would defeat the purpose of writing or reading it. I do agree with you on one thing, though ... the emotions were not lost here in translation to the paper ...

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"Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus"
(When I hear the bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.")

The Jackal
Member

since 1999-08-13

Posts 426
Springfield, Massachusetts U.S.A

4 posted 1999-08-23 03:59 PM

very veautiful piece nicely done..i am impressed..wish i could express soo well.

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Elizabeth

Moderator

Member Ascendant

since 1999-06-07

Posts 6871
Minnesota

5 posted 1999-08-23 04:06 PM

Please don't stop! I think you have a lot of potential. The rhyme in "We Love Differently" is excellent, and the meter needs a little bit of work. Other than that, this poem is very good and powerful. Hope I've helped.

By the way, welcome to Netpoets! I hope to see more of your work!

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*Elizabeth*

"Dwelt a maid belov'd and cherish'd by high and low,
But with autumn leaf she perish'd, long time ago..."

traveler
Member

since 1999-08-17

Posts 119

6 posted 1999-08-23 05:38 PM

Thank you all for the kind comments. This is still a work in progress. I'll not post such a rough draft again. Just wanted to get my feet wet.

caroline
Senior Member

since 1999-08-16

Posts 1218
http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm

7 posted 1999-08-23 08:11 PM

I thought it quite well done, actually. You definitely should keep writing. You have much to say.

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The only man worth your tears will never make you cry...

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