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The breeze and I
| Open Poetry #1 |
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The breeze and I |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla 
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The breeze and I Her words flow like a high powered fan And I always seem caught in the breeze. If she'd only put some honey on these Like my favorite pastry marzipan. Most often they would sound like a bears roar. A she bear, in an unpleasant mood. With a sting like a bee in conclude. Each cacophony of strident SEYMOURS I shrink with each thunder rap so loud That my innards would shrivel and quake She sounds to me like the devil in wake Chumming up for his daily becloud. T'is no fun to stand the breeze of a fan If it whacks you like a towel in the can. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Seymour Tabin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ok, HELP! I do not understand stanza two, line three. 'Splain, please? Otherwise, I think I get the gist, and again, you've done a good job! ------------------ Sunshine Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Sunshine, You caught the weakest line in the poem I wanted to say each statement finshed with the sting of a bee. Keeping it in the rhyme form I was using was difficult. I'll do better next time, thanks for the read. i enjoy your comments and your great poetry. |
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Majere Junior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 32 |
Excellent job! You are one of the best I've read here so far... ------------------ Such is the way to immortality ;) |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Dear See, I hope you don't mind when I question a rhyme I like to understand everything and most often, your poetry sings! Thanks, too, for inspecting my work sometimes the words come so fast I don't want to appear "the jerk" and I'd like to think my poetry will last. ------------------ Sunshine Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Sunshine ' Your poetry will last and I don't mind questions. |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Majere, Than you have not read too much. For there are gaints that walk amongst us. But thank you so much for the kind words. |
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poetFemmeFatale Member Elite
since 1999-07-25
Posts 2646Arkansas |
Fabulous piece my dear, and you are talking to the queen of "can whacking..." with my towel of course !! ~~ A whack every day, keeps the boredom away.....~~ Have you had your can whackin' today...???~~~ (singing * * *) Obviously this touched me deeply.......(grin) ------------------ - poet FemmeFatale "The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Pff, From can whacker to another thank you. |
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pen of passion Member
since 1999-08-11
Posts 234 |
Enjoyable. I can relate. |
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