Me? Free verse? - pipTalk Forums

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Sue
Member

since 1999-08-04

Posts 383
France

0 posted 1999-08-16 06:32 AM

This is my first attempt, please, please tell me what you think.

I sit here alone and hear
the disembodied electronic voices
of unknown correspondents.
I sit here and understand
that my reality is all virtual
your voices disembodied
my body without a voice

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

1 posted 1999-08-16 08:50 AM

Very interesting twist, Sue....
Free verse is nigh onto impossible for me - I'm not as brave as you, I guess...

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

2 posted 1999-08-16 09:49 AM

Sue,
A lot of meaning in a few words.
You get a TU from me.

Lost Dreamer
Member Elite

since 1999-06-20

Posts 2464
Somewhere near the Rainbow

3 posted 1999-08-16 10:09 AM

Wonderful job! Glad you tried it.

Sue
Member

since 1999-08-04

Posts 383
France

4 posted 1999-08-16 10:32 AM

Thank you, all of you.
I hardly dare ask, Seymour, but what is a TU?

moonmoon
Member

since 1999-08-13

Posts 277
TX , USA

5 posted 1999-08-17 12:35 PM

BRAVO ..Sue, This is excellent for a first attempt...I could 'feel' the loneliness portrayed..

I am a newbie here myself..let us watch out for each others poems..okay?

------------------
"No one was ever ruined from without;
The final ruin comes from within." Amelia E. Barr

juanita
Member

since 1999-08-13

Posts 68
Los Angeles, CA, USA

6 posted 1999-08-17 01:35 AM

I liked it sue, as always a great job!

Terri
Member

since 1999-08-08

Posts 82
Turtle Creek, PA

7 posted 1999-08-17 01:46 AM

Sue--I really like it! To me, it describes how I feel looking thru the poems here in the forum. I can 'hear' all these beautiful voices singing their songs while I sit here mute. Bravo!

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

8 posted 1999-08-17 02:13 AM

Well done Sue, and very powerful!

Suggestion: try to break up the longer phrases, the disembodied electronic voices is a little hard to swallow in one gulp. Maybe try splitting it up a little.

I sit here alone and hear
the disembodied electronic
-voices-
of unknown correspondants...

Just a constructive criticism on my part, though I'm definitely no eggspurt!

T(humbs) U(p)

------------------
It's so cool, it's so swell, living here on Ice Planet hell!
-Psychotica-

[This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 08-17-99).]

Sue
Member

since 1999-08-04

Posts 383
France

9 posted 1999-08-17 02:25 AM

Thanks, Christopher, I see what you mean. I think I would prefer

I sit here alone and hear
the disembodied
electronic voices
of unknown correspondants...

what do you think?

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

10 posted 1999-08-17 09:42 PM

Very Very Good Sue! I like that even better than my suggestion! It just makes it flow!

------------------
It's so cool, it's so swell, living here on Ice Planet hell!
-Psychotica-

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