navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #1 » The First
Open Poetry #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic The First Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
DreamEvil
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396


0 posted 1999-08-13 04:01 PM


You are the first to love more than my rhyme.
Most everyone is here just for my verse.
I suffer from the ravages of time.
Burned or alone I don't know which is worse.

You are the first to talk to me this way.
I think that I'm seen as deaf, dumb, and blind.
No one else helps me with my life's disarray.
Daily and nightly you are on my mind.

You are the first to take hold of my heart.
I share with you every part of my life.
Despite what you see you've stayed from the start.
You've pushed aside the mask hiding my strife.

I'll let you see my dark soul at it's worst.
You know in that as well you are the first.


©1999 DreamEvil

------------------
Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings?
DreamEvil©



© Copyright 1999 DreamEvil - All Rights Reserved
Nicole
Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835
Florida
1 posted 1999-08-13 04:21 PM


I don't know what to say....thank you

------------------
"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with." *Mark Twain*

suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
2 posted 1999-08-13 04:26 PM


DE: That sounds like a "first" worth keeping around! *S* When you find someone with whom you can share the good, the bad, the joy, and the ugly... hold on!
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
3 posted 1999-08-13 04:28 PM


Good one, sir. But you know the old saying: "you can't be first but you could be next!" Is there a waiting list?

Gentle Soul
Member
since 1999-07-12
Posts 273
Vinton,Ohio USA
4 posted 1999-08-13 04:39 PM


this is a good one *hugs* I like it too.. you are such a good poet DE

------------------
Gënt£ë¤§°û£


~one voice~
Senior Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 664
Billings, MT USA
5 posted 1999-08-13 05:25 PM


Beautiful sonnet!

------------------
~onevoice~

"She looked at her life
like lines, never-ending,
constantly forming,
reforming and bending."



WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245
Illinois
6 posted 1999-08-13 09:12 PM


For me? Shouldn't have. haha
You have some great passion in your work.
Sure wish I could write like this. Great Job!

Dragoness
Senior Member
since 1999-08-07
Posts 513

7 posted 1999-08-13 09:20 PM


Well done! I loved it!

------------------
Set you heart free and your mind will follow.

JP
Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343
Loomis, CA
8 posted 1999-08-14 12:02 PM


I'm not the expert on sonnets around here (Nan?), but this piece did not have it. Sincere message perhaps, but spend more time on structure. If you write free verse, look for flow and conveyance of feeling, if you are writing rhyme then work of meter, timeing and all that other structure stuff.

------------------
Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP



DreamEvil
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396

9 posted 1999-08-14 02:00 PM



For some reason I feel compelled, once in awhile,to write a piece like this. It takes quite an inspiration to write from a perspective that is less than dark, which could explain the roughness of it I suppose.


Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #1 » The First

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary