Open Poetry #1 |
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all grown-up |
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ShellBelle Junior Member
since 1999-08-06
Posts 11 |
while the children laugh and play i sit stone cold in my seat sending blank stares across the room stiff legs attached to limp feet while the children sing spirit songs i paint a confident smile on my face frightened that they may see through to my banner of shameful disgrace while the children confidently participate i am caged deep within the nest taught to fear the world and remain hidden or leave armed, wearing a bullet-proof vest while the children count their sheep tonight i cry myself to sleep my cheek pressed against the cold cement alone and abandoned, so weak @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- I'd appreciate any feedback. I was wondering if the length of some of the lines hinder the flow of the poem. Thanks so much. |
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© Copyright 1999 ShellBelle - All Rights Reserved | |||
Lucie Senior Member
since 1999-06-20
Posts 1077Houston |
There are some powerful statements in this poem. It is a bit choppy, but I think if you trimmed it down it wouldn't have the same effect or message. It doesn't flow very smoothly, but it reads very deeply. |
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ShellBelle Junior Member
since 1999-08-06
Posts 11 |
Thanks, Lucie. I'll see what I can do. @-->---- A friend is someone who reaches for your hand ...and touches your heart. |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
I agree with Lucie. This is still an excellent piece of work..so very sad. I shall look for more from you. ------------------ *Krista Knutson* "Your kiss upon my face feels like a brush with grace, baby thats all it takes to take me higher..." SHeDaisy [This message has been edited by Alwye (edited 08-09-99).] |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
I agree with Lucie needs a little work but I liked it. |
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