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Just one day
| Open Poetry #1 |
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Just one day |
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tulip Member
since 1999-07-04
Posts 320unknown |
If all I had was just one day I'd spend the day with you. I would find the words to say and tell you "I love you". I'd laugh, and cry, and knowing you, You'd do the same to me. We'd hold each other tenderly Fulfilling every desire. And then the memory we'd have would hold forever true. Just knowing that you returned my love would last a lifetime through. |
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| © Copyright 1999 tulip - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jfreak Member
since 1999-06-17
Posts 306Yuma, AZ, USA |
This a very beautiful poem. I just have one gripe about it. It is with the following lines: I'd laugh, and cry, and knowing you, You'd do the same to me. We'd hold each other tenderly Fulfilling every desire. See these four lines are in the middle of your sonnet. But with these four lines you totally lose your rhyme scheme. You began your rhyme scheme then left it with these four lines and then returned to it. When you do that you throw the whole poem off and if this poem had been just a bit longer would have probably lost my attention. Another thing I might add is that you never want to start a new line and have end it with the same rhyme as the line before it unless your scheme is that way. Example: I'd spend the day with you. I would find the words to say and tell you "I love you". I'd laugh, and cry, and knowing you, You'd do the same to me. you did that with the line that ends with "knowing you". It just causes the poem to be jerky. You are definately a good poet I just wanted to comment on that one little thing. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more by you in the future. JFreak |
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tulip Member
since 1999-07-04
Posts 320unknown |
JFreak, Thanks for commenting. I wasn't really paying attention when I wrote it, I just wrote it. I appreciate your thoughts! |
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