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Another shot
| Open Poetry #2 |
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Another shot |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla 
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Another Shot Tequila with a pinch of salt. I pour it slowly out a spout. An aperitif of strong assault. To numb the agonizing doubt. I Look into the looking glass. Uncertainty shows my eyes. I cannot move my anchored ass. Nor swill away the lies. I turned away the offered hand. Too vain its patch upon my heart. I do not think that I could stand? The agony of one more start. Numbness scatters the breaking wave. Mist quiets the endless loud. I am not strong nor am I brave. Perhaps, perhaps a wee too proud? I can't surmount the tears of why. Nor can I stop the whip held high. [This message has been edited by Seymour Tabin (edited 09-13-99).] [This message has been edited by Seymour Tabin (edited 09-13-99).] [This message has been edited by Seymour Tabin (edited 09-13-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Seymour Tabin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Paul Allen Lupien Member
since 1999-09-09
Posts 114Ferndale,Mi.USA |
Thought this had some clever lines and certainly an honesty.My humble suggestions as to some re-workings of the rhytmic flow are as follows: An apertif (of) strong assault I look (into)the looking glass Uncertain (foggy) eyes Nor swill away the lies Too vain its patch(upon)my heart The (agony) of one more start -Just suggestions of course- I only offer them because I liked much of what the poem was saying... Sincerely, Paul ------------------ |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Paul, Your suggestions were good and I thank you. Some times I get too cought up in the count. Thank you again. |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Seymour: I love the line "I cannot move my anchored ass Nor swill away the lies." Great job! |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Suthern, Thank you so much for the read and comment. |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
Seymour - if I'm not mistaken, Floyd says you better move your ass real quick - lol. I really liked this poem. I can easily see the bar, the mirror behind the bar, the dim atmosphere, and the lonely man sitting at the bar trying to forget. You really nailed this one. |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
LJ, Nice to hear from you. Thanks for the read and comment. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Sy! What are you doing? (Great poem by the way)..get out there and board up your windows....batten down your hatches...hunker down in the basement (do you have one of those?)...stock up on the essentials - Hershey bars and Vodka! Take care of yourself, I've heard Floyd is meaner than Andrew was!  |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
I enjoyed this one too Seymour! ------------------ Denise |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
That's a drawback of Florida, deVine one. Since we're at sea level, there are no basements. Nuts! Good poem, Sy. Now get out and stock up on Vienna Sausages! |
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caroline Senior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 1218http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm |
This one is really good Seymour. I enjoyed it.  Floyd may be moving my ass...*LOL* I'm waiting to see what he is gonna do...hey Seymour...got any more of that tequila?? ------------------ The only man worth your tears will never make you cry... |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Thank you all for the concern I'll do my best. We'll probably get alot of rain so I'm posting an old Rain poem. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Very nicely written, you have a way with words ------------------ "This world is not conclusion. A sequel stands beyond, Invisable as music, But positive as sound." ~Emily Dickinson |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Hoot, When I lay a poem to sleep I like to be the last entry. Thank you Hoot. |
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