I gripped her hand... - pipTalk Forums

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Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 1999-09-19 02:31 AM

I gripped her hand as if it was a cross
She tempted me into her wicked web
And as we sneaked inside upon our toes
The ground shook from every step

Just as the locks await the fitting keys
My stainless heart awaited its embrace
She kissed me once with autumn’s breeze
Then, disappeared without a trace

Came winter... windows froze with ice
And ashen snow fell on the surface
And in my dreams I sought her eyes
Like every key that seeks its purpose

[This message has been edited by Master (edited 09-19-99).]

caroline
Senior Member

since 1999-08-16

Posts 1218
http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm

1 posted 1999-09-19 02:53 AM

You're good!! Aggravatin' thing, but you're good! (just kiddin' Master..heheh...you know I love your work

)

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The only man worth your tears will never make you cry...

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

2 posted 1999-09-19 09:45 AM

Whoa....another good one Master. Your imagery is wonderful. You never fail to amaze me

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"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer" ~Albert Camus

Pepper
Member Elite

since 1999-08-19

Posts 3079
Southern Florida

3 posted 1999-09-19 09:58 AM

this touched me Master......

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May your days be filled with lots of sunshine and your nights lit up by golden moonbeams

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

4 posted 1999-09-19 12:51 PM

I love your work also Caroline! Thank all for your comments!

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

5 posted 1999-09-19 02:31 PM

Any suggestions on how to make the second stanza rhyme a bit better, the last line seems to break the flow a bit...

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

6 posted 1999-09-19 03:05 PM

Master......take out the single before the word trace, it dramatically improves the flow

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"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer" ~Albert Camus

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

7 posted 1999-09-19 08:12 PM

Thanks Hoot, I'll do that!

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

8 posted 2004-04-23 12:41 PM

good write!

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