»
Main Forums
»
Passions in Prose
»
neon (a work in progress)
| Passions in Prose |
|
neon (a work in progress) |
|
|
rascalx Senior Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 590Florence, SC, USA 
|
Dear readers, writers, and moderators, When I began writing this, I thought it was going to be a poem but the more I wrote, the more I realized that it was something different; not quite a story but not quite a poem either. It lacks structure. So, I'm opening this piece up for suggestions. Is it verse or prose? Improvements, anyone? Any help or ideas will be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Jeff "Neon" - Jeff Osborne 2000 I pick a neon rose from my fluorescent garden…they only bloom at night, you know…red glowing petals with dark green leaves…casting eerie shadows on my smiling face as I lift it to my nose to smell its warm ozone scent. I raise the luminous flower above my head…letting its love light shine down for everyone to come marvel at its beauty…its brightness leading my followers and I across the cold pavement. …but the crowd becomes ugly…pressing against me…fighting to get closer to my rose’s brilliance…reaching to take it…some want it for themselves…a few would smash its fragile light for they know nothing of love’s glow…I stumble backwards, crying out as my neon bloom falls from my hand. Glass shatters in a red and green explosion as my rose’s thorny shrapnel cuts the crowd away from me…I scream angrily but quickly fall silent as a million points of red and green light rise from the ground to greet me…twinkling neon fireflies swarm, surrounding me in a lover’s embrace…they light upon my face as I hold out my arms to them…colorful stars tickle my skin…whispering love’s voice in my ear…playfully pulling at my hair and clothes. I laugh like a child as they fly into the night sky then race towards the horizon in a burst of red and green. The crowd disperses as darkness returns…looking for another prophet, I suppose…I walk quietly, sadly remembering my rose…then I feel a tickle inside of my shirt…I look down smiling as two tiny neon points of red and green whisper “shhh…hide us!”…and then I laugh with them as I hold their light close to my heart. |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Jeff Osborne - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Welcome to Prose! And I think this fits just fine. Occasionally there are pieces that defy true definition. I can see your concern with this one! I like the divers imagery you use here and am curious to see where else you take this! Christopher |
||
|
rascalx Senior Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 590Florence, SC, USA |
Christopher, Thanks for the kind words. Having written poetry for so long, this piece was a bit of a stretch for me. I'm looking forward to posting more prose as well as reading the talents that have already set an example. Jeff |
||
|
Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA |
Jeff, I love the innocent playfulness that your shattered rose embodies. The free spirited gaiety you express as you "laugh like a child" brought a smile to my lips. Take me as I am or watch me as I go |
||
|
rascalx Senior Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 590Florence, SC, USA |
Tara, Thank you for reading between the lines. I'm still learning that oftentimes the things we believe lost forever are only hiding, waiting for us to find them again when we are ready. |
||
|
T.Rose Junior Member
since 2000-08-17
Posts 20 |
I think the story itself is wonderful but we writers, of great creative works, sometimes we do forget to breath as we're writing. Please, I want to see this as an end product. There is an exsitement to work not done yet... Don't stop........ I am pleased in this read. T.Rose< !signature--> [This message has been edited by T.Rose (edited 08-28-2000).] |
||
|
dgvarner Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552High Springs, Florida |
..don't know how I missed having read this one... I love it! very cool..just as it is..  hugs, g "We of the craft are all crazy...all are more or less touched." Lord Byron |
||
|
Ixtab Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 105MEXICAlpan de las tunas |
This one had so much lively imagery that i almos saw myself playing with the flower's light. all the glory and power only a moment for a flower was it lord byron that said this?, i'm really not sure.. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
