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Let Yourself off the Hook
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Let Yourself off the Hook |
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Clang Member
since 2005-12-15
Posts 222 |
Like everyone else I have good days and bad days, but today I have tools. In the early days of my illness you stood by...a rock with which I could hurl myself, always steadfast and true. I would test you and test you, ever driving, harder and harder, certain that like the others I wanted to love me you too would break and turn against me. Perhaps it was me, not you, who was responsible for the end. It's been nearly twenty-five years. Do I think of you? Yes, sometimes. Did my time with you have an impact on the woman I have become? Without a doubt. But I am not her any longer. I have layers you have never seen. Some good, some bad. I was angry when I looked for you. I was furious that you shut me down and shut me out, without letting me have my say. You were right too. I was still very ill. But let me gently tell you a little something about what I learned as a grasshopper. It was a day like any other day. You laughing at the absurdity of my tantrums...and there were many. I screamed at you that you didn't even like me. I remember wailing, "Name one thing, just one thing you like about me!" When I shut up long enough to actually listen, you said that you liked the way I described the oilslicks in the puddles after a rain storm. How fascinated I was with them as a child. That I had a knack for describing and that I should use it. I never trusted praise from you, because I always demanded it, and when I got it it didn't count. I didn't even trust it then. But, truth or lie, it stuck. The validation made me want to believe. To believe that somewhere in me there was someone salvagable. You gave me a world of beauty in open spaces, in metaphors beyond what I alone could ever see. But you were right. There is no story to tell. That's not enough to cancel out the crap that extends for as far as the mind can see. Hence...this is the end of the threat of Rainbows in Raindrop Puddles. Besides, who would want to read how a girl fell into her first bouts of mania and in a first love at the same time? LOL You see, I can be reasonable and sane...well, I won't go that far and it's no fun if you think of me that way! |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Loved this story, Clang. When a man appreciates how you enjoy and describe a rainbow in a puddle, it means he loves the core of you. And the core is what really counts, isn't it? To love each other's craziness helps to maintain sanity, I am sure. Loved this slice of your life. Enjoyed the flow of the tale and the ponderings. Love, Margherita |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Clang, I could quote this entire piece back to you to show which words impacted me. I was struck by how people remain in our lives - how we carry them with us. Also, I have been down the road that you write about. It's a long, lonely one. This is a keeper for me. You touched me, made me think and made me remember. Alison |
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brneyedgrly Senior Member
since 2009-06-08
Posts 1125nowhere and everywhere |
~whew~ more writing like this, lady! powerful and honest... wow... |
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