Passions in Prose |
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As The Night Grew Dim - Prologue |
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Just.Another.Falling.Star Member
since 2008-05-08
Posts 422Canada ![]() |
So, I'm new here, although I write fiction all the time, I've never thought to post anything on here, so I'd love it if I could get some feedback on this, lol. Thanks so much! _______________________________________________________________ I never thought it would come to this; standing here, alone--I mean. My past memories were no where to be seen in my future. All that’s left is me and what I make of the dark. Moisture covers my hands, my legs start to shake. I can feel the hot breathe of someone behind me, although I have absolutely no idea who this person, or thing is. All I know, is that whatever happens from here, will either make me or break me. “Do you know what I am..?” asks the sly creature behind me. I pause, because fright has overcome me. “Answer me!” he yelled and I flinched slightly. “You’re something that has no right to do this to another human being.” I replied; and with that, my world I once knew, was once again dark. julianna |
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© Copyright 2009 Julianna - All Rights Reserved | |||
Falling rain![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Wow Julianna!! This could be like a part of a book. I really liked it. ![]() ![]() -Zach I love my crayons. :D lol |
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Just.Another.Falling.Star Member
since 2008-05-08
Posts 422Canada |
lol, yay!!! thanks zach!!! and yeah, lol..i'm trying to put this into a book, lol. except i can't figure out the first chapter, lol *sighs*. julianna |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Hi just. Since I love dark writing and since I'm kinda too scared to try getting anything published, I like hanging around here and offering constructive criticism, which I'll do now. Firstly, your tenses keep going back and fourth - past and present. This can be a good literary device but I think you might have done it more by mistake (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on that call ![]() ![]() For example, "My past memories were no where to be seen in my future. All that’s left is me and what I make of the dark." Secondly, why is the text of this piece of prose centered? If you were going for some kind of effect with the centering I'm not sure what it is. And usually, centered text tends not to look all that great anyway. Thirdly, your grammar is a tad awkward. For example, "I can feel the hot breathe of someone behind me, although I have absolutely no idea who this person, or thing is." Breathe is present tense. As in, I breathe. I think you're looking for the phrase "hot breath." In another example: "All I know, is that whatever happens from here, will either make me or break me." The comma is un-necessary. You could rewrite that sentence like this: "All I know is that whatever happens here will either make or break me." I look forward to seeing more parts of this story. It sounds like your narrator is undergoing.... some kind of test? I gathered that from the "make or break" bit. Is it a test in which his/her moral beliefs are being challenged by a horrible creature? Life's short. Think hard! |
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