Kinda mature warning Emo Vs. Punk

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Passions in Prose

Kinda mature warning Emo Vs. Punk

KatKali
Member

since 2008-01-03

Posts 67
Where the wispers grow louder

0 posted 2009-02-09 03:42 PM

I've just started writing this story, and I'm not sure how I'm doing would you give me some advice
I’m simply walking with my friends when the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen walks by. To most she probably ugly because of her baggy clothes and glasses but that only makes me want to take them off more to see the wonderful body underneath. I can tell from her uniform she’s from our rival school across town they have Arts and Smarts, and we have Sports and Arts. I leave my friends to approach her and her friends. I walk up so close to her that I’ve trapped her against the wall and I say “Hey Emo girl, I wanna speak to you.” As their school is all Emos and Goths, we are all punks, which makes them fear us. Her friends quickly run off with some lame excuse and a see ya later.
Trembling she says, “What do you want?”
“To talk.”
“K, talk”
“Let’s find someplace more private.”
“Lets not.”
“Fine then, I wanna go on a date with you.”
“A date?” she said with a gulp.
“Yea, to like a movie or something.”
“With me?”
“No, with King Tut, yes you.”
“All right, when?” she said still trembling.
“Tomorrow at three right after school meet me at the park or I’ll come find you.” She replied with a gulp and a nod yes. “See you later girly.” I said as I walked away and waved back at her.
“Bye.” She said before running off most likely to catch up with her friends.

After waving bye to my friends after school, I quickly ran to the park, which was on the other side of town. She stood there wearing her school uniform and baggy hoodie but wasn’t wearing her glasses. As I walked up I said “Yo, What happened to your glasses?”
“Ah, they broke earlier this morning,” she said with a slightly shocked expression either because she didn’t think I would ask, she didn’t expect me to come, or she just didn’t see me. We go to the movies and have short chit chats about school and stuff. At the end of the date she is finally smiling and we brought ice cream just before she went home. As she walked a way I yelled “I’ll pick you up next Tuesday,” she just smiled and nodded her head.

A scream shrieked out from down the hall of my school. My teacher and the other ones ran to the spot while students pushed their way down there. A girl who I instantly recognized stood before every one in a red uniform from our rival school. Neck length spiking blonde hair against cool white skin. Sharp green eyes sparkle in amusement above a causal toothy grin. Her uniform consists of a plain white shirt and a red shirt that has straps connecting from the front of the skirt to the back. The girl screamed because of the fact she was from our rival school not because any thing was going on.

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

1 posted 2009-02-15 10:57 PM

Hey there:
Glad you posted here. I am kinda scared to post in the mature literary criticism section of this site so I mostly hang out here giving my less than academic view of people's writings to whoever will listen

So anyway let's look at your story.  I don't know if you intended to make it rambly.  But it did ramble a little.  Also the end was a bit of a letdown.  I was half-expecting a gruesome scene with the girl wielding a knife whilst everyone looked on, beholding some bloodied corpse or perhaps someone's bloodied wrist.  Instead, you simply say "The girl screamed because of the fact she was from our rival school not because any thing was going on."

I'm not saying I expected a gory scene.  In fact, I rather like where you're going with the boy meets girl (or is this a girl meets girl story?) motif.  There's nothing wrong with that.  It's just that the way the scene at the end is set up makes it sound a bit like a horror.

You mix the tense quite a bit in this story.  Try to keep things consistent.  For example:

I leave my friends to approach her and her friends. I walk up so close to her that I’ve trapped her against the wall and I say “Hey Emo girl, I wanna speak to you.” As their school is all Emos and Goths, we are all punks, which makes them fear us. Her friends quickly run off with some lame excuse and a see ya later.

The above is in present tense. There's nothing wrong with writing in that way. Some really great novels are written entirely in present tense. It can give the story a kind of raw intensity. But then you end your dialog with the girl like this:

“No, with King Tut, yes you.”
“All right, when?” she said still trembling.
“Tomorrow at three right after school meet me at the park or I’ll come find you.” She replied with a gulp and a nod yes. “See you later girly.” I said as I walked away and waved back at her.

Try and pick a tense and stick with it.

Well, I hope this helps.

Life's short. Think hard!
Me!

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