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Mother's Moment
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Mother's Moment |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
One sunny Spring day, Mary looked out the kitchen window, astonished to see her five year old sister Sophie, walking across the green, grassy backyard, with six little kittens trailing single file behind her. Mary chuckled to herself, thinking, "my sister looks like a mother duck leading her ducklings." It was a delightful parade, an event she would never forget. Mary took a snapshot with her mind's eye, put it in her photobook and in times of reflection, it's page was never missed. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Marcia Estep - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
An evocative narrative that deserves some attention. Below is my rewrite of the first paragraph. What I’ve tried to do here is to reduce the word count (a very long sentence) by eliminating as many adjectives and commonplace words as possible. I think the image remains. For example, you have “astonished” and “see” which can be replaced by a single word like “rubberneck” or simply “gape.” This should reinforce both the vitality and pacing of your piece. As you seem to aim at providing specific details, I have taken the liberty here to specify which sunny spring day  On April Fools’, Mary rubbernecked at her five-year-old sister Sophie through the kitchen window, prancing across the backyard, trailed by a six-kitten file. I think the other two paragraphs are fine. Lastly, I would like to emphasise that if I've taken the time to rework your write, it's because I found in it a source of interest to entertain and educate myself with it. Take it that you've achieved writing's two most important aims Have a marvelous day! Mark |
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