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A letter to my mum - I NEED HELP
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A letter to my mum - I NEED HELP |
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x-tears-x Junior Member
since 2008-04-13
Posts 43England |
Ok...my Mum does know about my step dad abusing us. I just want to let her know how i feel...this is what I've got in my letter so far...any suggestions? "Mum, I know it can be hard for you because (my step dad) can be a little scary and you want to look after (my baby brother) but I’m worried about (my brother) and me. Ok, (my step dad) can be ok and stuff. I’m just a bit scared and I want him to stop hurting us and telling us that we should die and stuff. I know it’s not your fault Just it’s getting beyond bad and I really don’t want to make you upset but could you please stop him somehow??? Sorry. Please don’t tell (my step dad) I sent this. Love Becky." Thanks everyone. |
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| © Copyright 2008 Becky T. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear x-tears-x, Oh dear, it's difficult to give advice about these things, isn't it. I'm afraid that you're so much kinder than I am, and so much less angry at your poor mum. I don't know your age, but when I was under ten and I was seriously sad or angry I was afraid that if I said too much or said it too loudly I might end up tearing up the family. But listen, it's your Mum's first job to protect you and your brother. You say that your Mum knows that he's abusing you and your brother, but you haven't said to us exactly what he's doing, now have you. So we don't know, though you may think we do. All we know is that he abuses you, but we don't know what that is,. So probably, what you need to do is be specific about what your step dad is doing to you and your brother. Something like: Dear Mum (over in the States we say "Mom," you know, but I always thought "Mum" felt more cozy, I'm writing because I'm feeling( whatever it is that you're feeling, of course) and I'm also feeling (what? concerned, scared, frightened for my brother X) BECAUSE Step-dad has been (and this is the place where you need to say EXACTLY what he has been doing to you and what he's been doing to your brother. If he's been making threats, you need to say EXACTLY what the threats have been. If he's been hitting you either or both of you, you need to say that he's been hitting either or both of you, with what, where, when, how hard and how often. If he's a drinking man, you need to say that, and you need to say if what he does changes when he drinks, especially if it gets worse. If he has made any threats directed against your mother herself or anybody else, you need to put those down. If he has made any inappropriate sexual advances toward you, you need to write those down as well, including the details. You need to be very clear about exactly what did happen without using any extra words and without leaving out any important details, Remember, you are not doing this to be dramatic, you are doing this to make sure your mother knows exactly what is going on between your and your stepfather. You may think she already knows the details, and you are writing to make sure she does know them as you understand them. You are also writing because of your fears about the way your stepfather is treating your brother, so your are supplying those details as well. After writing the details, you can say that this is why you are giving her these details, so everybody is clear EXACTLY what you are talking about. Then you might consider saying that you're feeling (what? afraid, I'd expect, but everybody's different, so you should write what's real for you) that unless things change they may get worse and that you want her to make your stepfather stop doing these things. You have a right to ask your mother to protect you from a violent stepfather. You have a right to expect her to do that. Mothers are supposed to protect their children from violence, even the violence of their husbands. My further suggestion to you is that you make a copy of the letter and put it away in a drawer. If your stepfather's violence becomes worse, if it doesn't get better, if it turns sexual, if your mother can't help you with it or if you feel that you must take steps to protect your stepbrother or even your mother as well from the violence of your stepfather, then you may have to decide to turn a copy of the letter over to somebody at school or in a protective services function. Now what I've done has gone a long way beyond your original request for advice about a letter. It is not a set of instructions for you. You are there and I am not. I am walking you through one possible way of dealing with things that may be useful for you or may not be. Take what you think is useful. Remember, nobody deserves to be beaten. Nobody deserves to be threatened. If you're a kid, you deserve your mother's protection from violence. If she can't do it by herself, she needs to bring in help. This is not your fault, and nobody can make it your fault. You are trying to protect yourself and your brother. This already puts you in a pretty respectable position as far as I'm concerned, and most authorities would agree with me about this, I do believe. Let me know how things go. Sincerely, BobK. |
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x-tears-x Junior Member
since 2008-04-13
Posts 43England |
Hey, Thanks very much. That was really helpful and extremely detailed. I really appreciate it. Thanks. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
You need to get this out in the open...if your mom won't help you, perhaps your friends, teachers, the police...its important your mom knows that his behavior is not acceptable, and abuse in any form is unnacceptable...James |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Becky, I am sorry that I missed this, but I think Bob covered everything pretty thoroughly. How is it going? You know, I grew up in an abusive environment and I was afraid to tell anyone. I think you took a huge step by writing on the boards here. The only thing I would say differently than Bob is I would not keep the extra copy of that letter in your house. Put it some place safe that is not so easily found. I don't know how old you are - but we are never old enough to deal with these issues. Be aware that we often seek out men who we are used to. When you are with a man in an adult relationship, if you end up with an abusive one, don't be afraid to walk away right away. We can't change people. We can only take care of ourself. Take care of yourself - and your brother. I think you are too young for this responsibility, but, unfortunately, it sounds like he can't take care of himself. Thinking of you, Alison |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Becky, It is indeed a good thing that you are addressing this situation, as you are probably the only one who can begin the process of ending it. Your mother may not know the extent of the abuse, but she must. She has to have all of the information you can give her so that she can be more objective about her feelings. One of the most important things for you to know is that abuse will not subside if it's not confronted; It will more likely escalate. You need to share with your mother as soon as you possibly can. If she can't stop it immediately, you need to find a professional who can intercede on behalf of you and your brother. Don't let it continue for any longer. Best of luck, and God bless.. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Becky I agree with what has been said. But in case your mother refuses to believe you or act in your behalf then you may try going to a grandmother or aunt or someone else in the family that you can trust to help you. Take care, M |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear x-tears-x, I wanted to check back in. It'd been a while now, and I wanted to make sure I followed up. Is there some piece of my suggestions or of anybody's that's started you thinking? I know this has been going on a while, but talk with us if you can about what you're thinking. Oddly enough, it seems like you're the most in-touch person there. You have the most awareness about what is happening. You have the most awareness about yourself as a person and the most sense of the other people as people. That's one of the things about this sort of situation that makes them oddly funny. I don't mean funny odd. I actually mean funny ha-ha. The person who should be most puzzled here actually knows the most. That's you. Of course everybody needs to know more, right? So I guess you may be both the most knowing and the most puzzled person, all at the same time. What's going on with your plan for the letter? How is your brother? Have you been able to write your Mum a letter? or talk with her? Has your step dad given you a break or is it more of the same? Talk back, x-tears-x, it's helpful. One of the difficult things about this sort of thing is the feeling of going through it alone. Among other things, you can get hooked up with a face to face group where you are, I'm sure of other young women or girls who are dealing with the same sort of stuff. Everybody is different, but so many pieces of the stories will feel as if you've heard them before. It's very helpful. Keep writing here. Write poems about this. Poems don't make pain stop, but they do turn it into art, and the art helps. It offers a perspective you don't get otherwise. The trick is to start off writing poetry that's bad enough. You need to write truly awful poetry to start and only very gradually do you allow yourself to get any better. It's how you get your feet wet when you're in the middle of something like this. Best wishes, BobK. |
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xsaamaanthaax Junior Member
since 2008-11-28
Posts 21USA, Arizona. |
It's hard to explain things to the people you love. I was in some what of the same situation. I never really had the guts to explain how I felt to my mother because I was afraid that she would choose him over me, or possibly think i am wanting attention out of the situation. But finally I decided one day, I was tired of it, she needs to know, something needs to be done. The best way out of something like this is to say EVERYTHING that you feel, because if not it's going to be harder each and every time you try. It's hard to do it, I know. But in my own personal opinion and experience, it's the best thing to be honest and explain yourself. If not, she won't know how you feel. If she does not want to here what you wanna say, then let it be that, at least you were the smart one out of it and know how to stand up for yourself. It's hard, but been there done that. Best wishes and luck! |
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