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A Walk In Her Mind
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A Walk In Her Mind |
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playing.with.crayons Member
since 2006-01-02
Posts 362Neverland 
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Trying. Human weakness. Some might say strength but not me. Ms. Pessimistic, worlds-gonna-end, save-me-a-seat-for-the-apocalypse girl. No one knows do they? No one can see what you can see, or feel what you can feel. No one knows whether your blood boils while you idly watch television, whether you’re silently insulting every small child that knocks into your knees in their haste to get to the swing before any of their nasty little friends with dirt on their hands and lies in their mouths do. No one knows whether you have those bitter thoughts and angry fingers, clenching and digging and clawing their way into the your palms like blind worms hurrying to escape the sun. Tell me I’m first in line. Tell me I’m the one to pay penance for your mistakes, watch my brows contract and months form around my eyes. Watch lies add years and years add lines. Watch time fill my belly like a leaden sack, determined on dragging me down. Watch gravity hate me and watch me not care. Because you can’t see anything. Not really. You can’t see who is alive and who is dead inside. You can’t see the smoke behind their eyes that tells them they are worthless, that they do not deserve the love of another. All you can see of anyone is all they want you to see. Don’t help the person that doesn’t want help, and they will hate you. They will condemn you with their eyes and every tracing thought they have will be your downfall. You will fall and you will stumble and you will fly. You will feel wind at your feet and clouds by your head, and feel warm despite the cold. You will feel content, and safe, secure in the knowledge that you are loved, and that you love another. It is unfaltering until it falters, everlasting till it ends. Security means nothing in this reality. It may keep you warm at night but it will never light the fire. Security is a wish that can never be achieved, like freedom. Freedom from oppression is not enough. You need freedom from oxygen, freedom from air and space and gravity. Freedom will never be achieved as long as there are people to condone the notion. Once it ceases to exist as an idea, it will be realised. The sun will dawn on a new day, new life, until all that was yesterday is forgotten for a moment, until the grass is dewy again, and sleep is yet to come. |
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| © Copyright 2006 cheye - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Since you encourage constructive critques, let's get this out of the way: quote: I have an idea of what you were going for in this paragraph but it's a bit disjointed and hard to read. I think the storyteller is the Ms Pessimistic but the rest is a bit jagged. quote: Do blind worms get bothered by the sun? This is something I'm not aware of but it sounded a bit off. If it's true, then forgive me. quote: When I read this part originally, I wasn't sure what you meant but after reading it again, I see that you are saying that months=lines around the eyes? Ok. I enjoyed the rant but in the middle it went from my problems to your problems to their problems. All in all I thought you had some good phrases here and some good thoughts. |
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playing.with.crayons Member
since 2006-01-02
Posts 362Neverland |
ah!! that's exactly what this was. A silly rant. I wondered whether it was worth putting into the forum at all but decided there was nothing to lose. Thanks so much for taking the time to critique - you pointed out a few things that, once I read again realised needing altering. Yes, did you know they hate to be in direct sunlight. Burrow into earth soon as they can. Or so I've heard. I'm not exactly Ms. Informed on that matter actually. thanks for the read. |
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