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Eerie silence
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Eerie silence |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
*This is not that good. I wrote it almost a full year ago, and was digging up old stories and found this. Alyssa, Danni, and Kalasin were asking themselves exactly what bizarre reason had made them decide to hike the Appalachian Trail in the fall. It was cold, damp and windy out and they had no wish to be stuck on the trail in the snow. Eleven year old Alyssa was complaining,” Why do we have to take the boys dare to hike this trail? ”Lyssa, you are the one who said we don’t want them to tell the whole school we can’t take a dare and you were energetic about it earlier,” reminded thirteen-year-old Danni. “Why couldn’t I just egg their house like I wanted to,” whined Alyssa. “ You would get in trouble for doing that, your parents are annoyed enough about your quarter grade”. Commented Kali actually saying something for the first time since they started out on the trail. “Look what the sun is doing to my hair” “What are you so uptight about?” asked Danni. “Besides, what if someone tries to get us?””, asked Alyssa in a quavering voice twisting her hair nervously. “Oh, I don’t know Lyssa, maybe they will get us in the dark of the night, real likely". Danni said darkly. In the distance they heard a deafening roll of thunder. “Maybe they will creep up silently and grab you,” Danni said as she grabbed her friend just when the sky lit up in a explosion of lightning. Alyssa screamed. “Stop being such a crybaby” scorned Danni. “Shut up and stop arguing or I will throw both of you off the mountain” threatened a very irritated Kali. At 5’8' the dark haired fourteen year old was not someone to be reckoned with. They shut up. They had almost made it to the top of Katahdin when Kali tripped and would have fallen off the steep face if Danni hadn’t grabbed her. Kalasain plunked down on the trail,” Ow, I think I sprained my ankle, you guys go up a head,” she told her friends. "Are you sure?" inquired Danni as Kali moaned in pain. "Yeah, I’ll be fine sitting on this ridge till you guys get back with help" assured Kali smiling through her teeth. They walked carefully on the icy trail. “ Its getting dark out we should hurry,” pointed out Danni but Lyssa wasn’t listening she was staring off into space. "What are you looking at?" asked Danni. "Oh, nothing, I just thought I saw something,” said Lyssa. “ This place is starting to creep me-“. She never finished her sentence as just then they heard something crack in the woods. They froze. They heard a rock clatter by. It was enough to set them on edge. They kept walking. Danni accidentally stepped on leaves by a tree, startling the birds nesting there. The birds took off squawking. They ran like their life depended on getting as far away as swift as possible. Alyssa ran till she was out of breath. When she stopped Danni was nowhere to be found. She hiked back to where they were they were before. No one was there. She thought that Kali and Danni ditched her and were out there to scare her. She saw a massive redwood tree stump and as it was almost dark by then, she decided to set up camp on the stump. Later that night lying alone in the dark in her sleeping bag she heard a faint raspy whisper. She went to see if anything was there. Nothing. She decided to retrace her steps. Footsteps. Not her own. She tripped and fell sprawled on the soft ground. Her last thought was that she didn’t camp on wet ground, it was wet with a red sticky substance with a strong smell, and then her senses went numb. Darkness…. None of those three girls were ever seen again. Nothing came out of those mountains until two years later a skinny pale crippled white blond thirteen-year-old girl hobbled out of those woods. Her wet hair shone in the dark, but something wasn’t right, she was found, muttering to her self with a faraway distant look and she wouldn’t look anyone in the eyes. They say that she was strange but harmless enough. The locals had heard of the girls lost in their mountains but for no more than a moment did they consider she might be one of them. They thought no one could survive in the mountains for the two years much less a teenage girl. The final dismissal was that she was very much alive, not dead or close to death as anyone who spent more than a month in those mountains would surely be. She never told what had happened to her only that every month when there was a crescent moon she would need to leave the village and wander back to the woods that doomed her. The locals would hear cries and screams deep into the night it would fade on and off again. The same time as two years ago the three little girls disappeared, she left and you could hear her cries and screams and then there was one last cry and there was silence. Not just silent for the moment. A silence that only when something so wild it could never be tamed dies is heard. It was silent. Eternal silence. It is said even people who are hiking above the forgotten village long abandoned say they hear nothing. Its like the silence before a storm just calm and not full of waiting for something to happen, empty. Not even the birds or animals are heard just Silence. |
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| © Copyright 2006 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved | |||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
oh my, eerie silence is right! letting the reader fill in the blanks is a smart move! |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Thank you. Glad you liked |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Interesting little weird tale you have here. My first comment is you need to break this up some to make it easier to read, especially the dialogue. Like this: "Alyssa, Danni, and Kalasin were asking themselves exactly what bizarre reason had made them decide to hike the Appalachian Trail in the fall. It was cold, damp and windy out and they had no wish to be stuck on the trail in the snow. Eleven year old Alyssa was complaining,” Why do we have to take the boys dare to hike this trail? ”Lyssa, you are the one who said we don’t want them to tell the whole school we can’t take a dare and you were energetic about it earlier,” reminded thirteen-year-old Danni. “Why couldn’t I just egg their house like I wanted to,” whined Alyssa." It separates ideas and makes them easier to read. Also you may want to play with the way speakers are identified. Having each piece of dialogue in the "'Quotation here,' blanked person"can be quite repetitive even if the "blanked" changes. Personally I would have like a tiny little hint or foreshadowing of what happened on the mountain. But that's me personally. Enjoyable little tale, thanks for sharing. "I have harnessed the shadows that stride from world to world to sow death and madness..." - H.P. Lovecraft |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
My comp won't do spacing very well. I try to paragraph and tab it it won't work. I would of spaced it a bit better but I am still trying to figure out my comp. |
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