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Head Rush
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Head Rush |
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Spot Junior Member
since 2006-03-04
Posts 45CA, US |
Head Rush I want it to hurt when I breathe but instead its only used-up air catching in my throat, and it’s already been too long that I’ve been stuck, empty just like it, choking. I wanted to hate you but instead I understand why you left me with my shortcomings. If I couldn’t claim a place in love, couldn’t find it in your eyes, pain is a common consolation prize. But now that you’re gone I’m left without even a tear, and without the salt to sting my eyes my vision is inescapably clear. You didn’t leave me with a scar or bruise, no scar to show I would have fought for you- maybe because I wouldn’t; I’d fight for love but I won’t fight you. Instead I’m watching you walking, as steady as always like the weight of my eyes isn’t dragging you down at all, and it feels something like when your leg falls asleep, and you try to stand on it but then the blood starts to flow again in a rush. It doesn’t really hurt, is mostly only noticed when you try to keep moving, but in contrast with the nothing you were feeling before it becomes so much, and you know that it would be a lot easier to move on if it would just stop. At the time, right after the pressure is released, you want that, for the blood to just stop flowing. It seems like such a big feeling to have an accidental cause and no lasting effect, and besides you know that its life and you always need to keep walking forward. Sometimes you’re caught up in life, and pain or joy that isn’t defined is not enough to move you. But sometimes it doesn’t feel like you can catch onto life at all, and maybe watching you is just my release from the pressure, with a sinking rush to keep me grounded. Maybe you can’t always know if the absence of hurt is really preferable to the tiny pricks of pain that bring a tingling with them; any feeling can be better than the monotony of waiting. Like how now you want me to revert back to the person I was before we took this and rushed with it like blood from you head when you stand up too fast, but when you first saw me it didn’t matter that I wasn’t what you wanted and it didn’t matter than I knew we wouldn’t last. We were okay as a break from nothing, and we weren’t tied down by feeling anything else. I was numb before and I’m starting to understand why what we felt wasn’t love and why you never meant for me to keep up with you. I saw you leave and jumped to follow, but all the blood rushed down from where I’d held it, much too high like expectations. My head spun a little and I couldn’t go forward, and I think I would’ve been able to stand it and move on, but I was so used to not feeling anything at all. That’s the only reason it meant so much. And now I’m seeing that that’s all I meant, too. I thought I would have to bleed to reach this point. I was ready. But you wouldn’t let me get close enough to open up like that for you. You’d felt before, and you warned me. We were a head rush, dizzy and insistent, but eventually the blood balances out and there’s nothing left, at least for us. I can’t hurt because you never touched me, and you won’t hurt because you never meant it that way. I was a break from being numb; I wasn’t a real feeling and I won’t leave a scar, but I was better than being alone. And now I am. ...it's always sudden... |
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Fabiani Member
since 2006-05-12
Posts 123Mesa, Az |
amazing you really brought me back to that time in my life and summed up a complex set of emotions |
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