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bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

0 posted 2006-03-26 05:55 PM

I did this for a competition...idk if y'all wanna read it. its 1775 words!  haha but if you read it, i hope you like it!

"No! No...Sue...NO!" Sophie's mom yelled furiously at the phone in her hand. David, Sophie's younger brother, and Sophie, weren't sure what they should do.  Sophie called for Michael and Alex, her older twin brothers, and they came without hesitation. Sophie then ran to the counter, grabbed her mom's cell phone, and called her dad at his worship group. He came home immediately.

Fifteen minutes later, Sophie's mom was off the phone and sat all of them down on the couch.  Soon, tears were streaming down their faces as she told them that her father (their grandfather) had just died of a heart attack.

Sophie's world started spinning, and she started feeling dizzy. She wasn't sure how to deal with the feelings she was having.  Her grandfather was her best friend. His existence was what kept her happy and vivacious. His death was where her life began to fall apart.

They flew to Minnesota for his funeral because that was where he lived. Sophie was a mess and tried to keep her mind off of it. The day of the funeral, though, she did something that she would regret for the rest of her life. She chose to turn from God, chose not to trust Him, and escaped her problems the only way she could think of: she cut herself. At the time, she thought it made her feel better, but she now knows that it was only hurting her.

She continued to cut herself, even when her cousin Nicole found out. Nicole had tried to stop her, but Sophie’s need to escape the pain was too powerful, and the cutting turned into an extremely dangerous habit.

"Sophia," her mom would say, "what happened to your hand?"

"Oh, um, the cat scratched me horribly." She would reply, trying to sound convincing.

She tried to stop but it was too hard. The temptation was too strong to resist, and she figured she didn't have anyone to turn to.  She had turned away from God. She was bitter towards Him and hated the fact that she was stuck in a Christian school.  She was angry toward everyone, including her parents and friends, her grades started slipping, and she was in trouble almost every day. Life for Sophie couldn't get much worse.

Sophie's friends knew what she was doing to herself, but were completely oblivious as to why she would do something like that. Sophie hadn't told them anything except the death of her grandfather, but they hadn’t known what to say or do.  She thought she was going crazy. Sophie’s life was turning into a nightmare. She used to think life was so easy. Then she lost the one person who mattered most to her and her friends couldn't even say sorry.  All she wanted was to know that her friends were there for her if she needed them.  She went about her business, figuring she needed nobody's help or sympathy. She was cold-hearted and had built a wall around her heart.  She was afraid that if she let someone get close to her, they might let her down or she would lose them, just like what had happened with her grandfather.  She couldn't lose anyone else.  She couldn't bear to go through it again.

Sophie cut herself a lot and her hand looked as if it had been scraped across a cheese grater. She tried hiding it under long sleeved shirts but everyone started realizing what she was doing, and no one knew what to do or how to react. Sophie was in her own world. She felt like she was in a state of Nirvana, because she acted as if she didn't know what was happening in the world around her, nor did she care.

While all of this was going on, Sophie was involved in a youth group called Word of Life (WOL). She was working on earning a scholarship to go to the camp.  For this, she had to complete a series of things such as memorizing scripture, having faithful Quiet Times and doing a certain number of Christian services.  She finally earned it and was happy because she would be away from home for an entire week and could just escape everyone’s worried questions.

They were on their way to camp and Sophie was cracking. Everyone was having a blast all around her and she wanted to have that fun too. She felt too afraid, though, because for the past three months she had been a rock.  She had been emotionless and bitter toward everyone. She finally decided not to let that get in the way of having a good time and quietly made a quip that made everyone laugh. They weren't mad at her for hiding behind her pain all this time. They were happy that she had finally come back to the real world and was turning into her old, crazy, wild self who loved sarcasm and joking around. She started talking and laughing and opening herself up to her friends whom she had missed so much in those dreadful days of self-pity and depression. She had overcome that hurdle, but still had one big one to get over - the addictive habit of cutting.

Sophie got to the camp and saw her best friend, Jen, from New Hampshire, standing with some of her friends.  She immediately ran over and hugged her because, she was so happy to see her. Sophie was surprised by her actions because in a matter of minutes she'd gone from a shy, quiet person hiding behind her pain, to a wild, ambitious teenager looking to have a good time- she had no worries in the world.

They went from the Ranch to the Island and had to wait for one of their counselors to come and take them to their cabin. Her name was Megan and she was amazing. Over the next couple days, Sophie became very close to her. She opened herself up to her and trusted her immediately. Sophie didn’t trust or get close to anyone easily; but there was something about Megan that told Sophie she could trust her and tell her anything and it would stay between them.

Before long, it was Wednesday night: the night of the dedication fire. Joe Jordan was speaking and Sophie listened intently. Part way through, he said something that brought a river of memories soaring through her mind and a rush of emotions through her body. He said, "Have you ever had a loved one die before?" She thought of everything that had been going on at home and started to shake. She wasn't sure what was happening. She had so much pain going through her that she did what she had trained herself to do: She cut herself.  She dug her fingernails into her hand and just ripped at herself. Megan looked at Sophie and got worried. She grabbed one of Sophie’s hands and held onto it.  She whispered, “Sophie, stop!  You’re scaring me!” Sophie wanted to stop for her, but couldn't. She fought against Megan's hand and tried to get it free so she could continue cutting her hand. Megan wasn't about to let that happen.  Mary, her other counselor, came over and held onto her for a few minutes.  All the people in Sophie's cabin were getting scared and had to go back to the cabin.  Megan stayed with her and would not let go of her hand. She made sure she knew where it was so that Sophie could not continue to hurt herself.  Megan led Sophie to a spot and had some other counselors come talk to her and help calm her down. They had to hold Sophie down because she was shaking so horribly. They finally calmed Sophie down enough to walk to the cabin.

They got back to the cabin and Sophie found Jen on her bunk crying.  She went to Jen’s bunk and sat down with her. Jen explained why she was upset, but Sophie wasn't surprised by anything Jen said to her. She told Sophie that she hated the fact that she cut herself and that it really scared her. She made Sophie promise to stop. Sophie promised she would try and that’s what she did.

The Friday before Sophie left for home, Kandice (a unit leader), Megan, and a girl named Kiahna came to talk to her about what had happened. They snapped her back to reality by giving her verses like Jeremiah 29:11 and Proverbs 3:5, that says God has a plan for her, and she just needs to trust Him.  Sophie knew that cutting herself was not what she should be doing.  She should be going to God asking for His help. He was the only one who knew what she was dealing with, and knew how she felt. He's the omnipotent God! He's what Sophie had needed all along and she had her back turned on Him.  He even said in the Bible that we would have trials.  He also said that we needed to have joy in them (James 1:2-3).  Sophie was quick to react to all the pain and made the wrong decision; but Kandice assured her that it was never too late to go back to Him. She said that He'd always be there and His arms were wide-open waiting for her.

So Sophie went back to the cabin that night and did something she hadn't done in a long time-she prayed. She got right with God and became a changed person. God was working in her heart.

Sophie got home and didn’t cut herself for about a month.  Then a minor setback occurred and she made the mistake of going back to her previous habit instead of turning to God.  Everyone was disappointed.  She immediately went to God and asked for forgiveness.  Since then, she hasn’t cut herself at all.  She has come to realize that you either trust someone or you don’t; there’s no halfway.  She has also come to realize that she needs to fully rely on God.  God is in control and has a plan for her life.  Sophie learned that she needed to trust God and carry out the plans He had for her.

Sophie still thought about her grandfather a lot.  She also still struggled when she was in difficult situations, but she knew that cutting was not the answer.  Cutting herself was hurting and disobeying God.  She learned to turn to Him in prayer.  God not only brought Sophie out of this a changed person, He brought her out a better person who was ready for anything He had in store for her.

[This message has been edited by bekahlekah45 (03-27-2006 04:16 PM).]

curiouse
Member

since 2006-03-21

Posts 277
england

1 posted 2006-03-30 08:46 AM

great..you've got some talent there.

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

2 posted 2006-04-01 11:35 PM

I appreciate what you're trying to do here. It's a wonderful testimony idea. But the problem is that it is too dry! The entire piece reads like an essay that one might find in an extended version of an Our Daily Bread booklet. Worse, much of the narrative sounds like something out of a documentary: "They snapped her back to reality by giving her verses...", with an overly cheerful hurrah ending: "She made Sophie promise to stop. Sophie promised she would try and that's what she did."

Being the morbidly curious person I am, I'll make the following suggestions. Each one of them will be in the form of a question:

What was it like for Sophie to turn to cutting? What was her inner monologue like? What was she thinking, feeling?
When Sophie turned her back on God, how did that happen? Did she ignore Him? Did she spurn him? Did she turn to wicca, atheism, Satanism?
How did sophie feel when others questioned her? Did she feel stubborn and defiant at first? Or did she always feel a pang of pain whenever someone looked concerned toward her?
What did it feel like when Sophie turned to God? Did she hear Him speak? Did she feel His presence? Did she feel anything akin to the presence of the divine parent (this would have been an awesome thing to use in light of the fact that she's just lost a grand parent)?
Sophie must have ended up having to come clean with her family. What was that like?

Maybe you're objecting and saying that this story is about a real person. Who cares? We all like to take stuff that really happened and use it as a basis for stories. It's actually a pretty good way to write stories.

Any idiot can see that the result is true.
-- argumentum ad idiotum
Me!

bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

3 posted 2006-04-02 10:14 PM

thanks for that. yeah its about a real person but thats okay. i'm only 15 and have alot to learn about being a writer so i appreciate your comment.

curiouse
Member

since 2006-03-21

Posts 277
england

4 posted 2006-04-03 08:21 AM

omg i'm 15 too
o.k you did not need to know that!
curiouse

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